Let’s continue bashing “sex expert” Hannah Witton, who couldn’t get a date from 19 to 24. In one of her videos, she laments that she didn’t feel so great because she got fatter and fatter. Her clothes didn’t fit anymore, which made her feel like carp.
Yet, not one to mope, Hannah Witton rose to the challenge of combatting fatness. Feeling like shit because no man wants to fuck you, say if you’re a young female between the ages of 19 and 24? Maybe no guy wanted to go near you for five years in your supposed prime. Worry no more! Sex educator Hannah Witton who couldn’t get a date from 19 to 24 had a genius idea that makes you wonder whether we’ve lost a great scholar with her. Maybe she would have heralded a new breakthrough in theoretical physics. After all, she clearly demonstrated that she is able to find creative solutions that smash an existing paradigm. I’m currently staying in Cambridge, UK. There, university fellows may not be paid all that well, but they get one great perk: They are allowed to walk on the lawn in the college court. I thought, man, what if Hannah Witton could now trample on the grass! Wouldn’t the world be a much better place for it?
Now you may wonder what her genius solution was? I have to admit a mind as limited as mine couldn’t first grasp her genius either, so don’t despair if you don’t get it. Here it is: she felt bad because she had run out of clothes to wear. She just couldn’t squeeze her fat rolls into any of her dresses. So, the obvious solution would be to fix your nutrition and exercise. Yet, the genius solution of Hannah Witton is — to throw away your clothes and buy new ones! She went from size 8 to size 12. If my prize-winning dog fattened up like that, I’d have some faggy animal welfare activist chasing me down cobbled streets. Yet, with human females it’s fine and dandy if they go from overweight to grossly overweigh. Listen to her:
Too fat for your clothes? Get new ones, feel great again. Genius!
Listen, Hannah Witton, your body is giving you very valuable feedback if you feel unhappy about your weight. I’ll explain it like you’re five: your genes are panicking because they realize that they sit on a branch of evolution that dates back a couple billions of years, and which seems to be a cul-de-sac. A fat woman has no chance in hell to get a quality guy for procreation.
Hannah Witton also claims she looks great naked. Fuck no you don’t! I only have to look at the pictures you put up on Instagram. My right hand reflexively hitting Command + W to close the tab might tell me something: don’t look at that! Hannah Witton, here is a great tip: hot women don’t walk around telling others how hot they are, because it’s completely obvious. Is there any woman who looks like a bombshell that has to make a video in which she claims, “I look hot naked?” Most likely not. Whom do you think you are fooling, Hannah Witton?
Frankly, I don’t believe, not one bit, that Hannah Witton is convinced of the bullshit she spins, not just because of the contradiction I just discussed. Go to size 16, Hannah Witton, and get a new set of clothes! Do you still think you’ll look great? At one point, the lie will just break down. At one point, Hannah Witton, your life will be so fucked that you will need feminist/leftist-level doublethink to not kill yourself.
It’s fun to make fun of Hannah Witton. Yet, plenty of people use a similar reasoning. Those people never fail, because they constantly move the goalpost. Didn’t get into Harvard? Nah, it’s not all that special anyway. Can’t fuck hot women without paying for it? Nah, hot women are stupid anyway; inner beauty is where it’s at. Can’t get a job? Nah, it’s reprehensible to take part in capitalist exploitation anyway. Live in a shitty neighborhood? Nah, you love how “creative” and “innovative” your part of town is. Can’t afford proper clothes? Nah, stuff from the thrift store is a lot cooler anyway. See, with a bit of mental gymnastics, there is no possible way you’ll ever be a failure. How could you be a failure if you’ve got welfare payments coming in every two weeks? Money’s growing on trees! Moving the goalpost is genius. Thank you, Hannah Witton! Thank you so much.