Ladies, if you feel bad after gaining weight, it’s for a very good reason

Let’s continue bashing “sex expert” Hannah Witton, who couldn’t get a date from 19 to 24. In one of her videos, she laments that she didn’t feel so great because she got fatter and fatter. Her clothes didn’t fit anymore, which made her feel like carp.

Yet, not one to mope, Hannah Witton rose to the challenge of combatting fatness. Feeling like shit because no man wants to fuck you, say if you’re a young female between the ages of 19 and 24? Maybe no guy wanted to go near you for five years in your supposed prime. Worry no more! Sex educator Hannah Witton who couldn’t get a date from 19 to 24 had a genius idea that makes you wonder whether we’ve lost a great scholar with her. Maybe she would have heralded a new breakthrough in theoretical physics. After all, she clearly demonstrated that she is able to find creative solutions that smash an existing paradigm. I’m currently staying in Cambridge, UK. There, university fellows may not be paid all that well, but they get one great perk: They are allowed to walk on the lawn in the college court. I thought, man, what if Hannah Witton could now trample on the grass! Wouldn’t the world be a much better place for it?

Now you may wonder what her genius solution was? I have to admit a mind as limited as mine couldn’t first grasp her genius either, so don’t despair if you don’t get it. Here it is: she felt bad because she had run out of clothes to wear. She just couldn’t squeeze her fat rolls into any of her dresses. So, the obvious solution would be to fix your nutrition and exercise. Yet, the genius solution of Hannah Witton is — to throw away your clothes and buy new ones! She went from size 8 to size 12. If my prize-winning dog fattened up like that, I’d have some faggy animal welfare activist chasing me down cobbled streets. Yet, with human females it’s fine and dandy if they go from overweight to grossly overweigh. Listen to her:

Too fat for your clothes? Get new ones, feel great again. Genius!

Listen, Hannah Witton, your body is giving you very valuable feedback if you feel unhappy about your weight. I’ll explain it like you’re five: your genes are panicking because they realize that they sit on a branch of evolution that dates back a couple billions of years, and which seems to be a cul-de-sac. A fat woman has no chance in hell to get a quality guy for procreation.

Hannah Witton also claims she looks great naked. Fuck no you don’t! I only have to look at the pictures you put up on Instagram. My right hand reflexively hitting Command + W to close the tab might tell me something: don’t look at that! Hannah Witton, here is a great tip: hot women don’t walk around telling others how hot they are, because it’s completely obvious. Is there any woman who looks like a bombshell that has to make a video in which she claims, “I look hot naked?” Most likely not. Whom do you think you are fooling, Hannah Witton?

Frankly, I don’t believe, not one bit, that Hannah Witton is convinced of the bullshit she spins, not just because of the contradiction I just discussed. Go to size 16, Hannah Witton, and get a new set of clothes! Do you still think you’ll look great? At one point, the lie will just break down. At one point, Hannah Witton, your life will be so fucked that you will need feminist/leftist-level doublethink to not kill yourself.

It’s fun to make fun of Hannah Witton. Yet, plenty of people use a similar reasoning. Those people never fail, because they constantly move the goalpost. Didn’t get into Harvard? Nah, it’s not all that special anyway. Can’t fuck hot women without paying for it? Nah, hot women are stupid anyway; inner beauty is where it’s at. Can’t get a job? Nah, it’s reprehensible to take part in capitalist exploitation anyway. Live in a shitty neighborhood? Nah, you love how “creative” and “innovative” your part of town is. Can’t afford proper clothes? Nah, stuff from the thrift store is a lot cooler anyway. See, with a bit of mental gymnastics, there is no possible way you’ll ever be a failure. How could you be a failure if you’ve got welfare payments coming in every two weeks? Money’s growing on trees! Moving the goalpost is genius. Thank you, Hannah Witton! Thank you so much.

23 thoughts on “Ladies, if you feel bad after gaining weight, it’s for a very good reason

  1. Keep dissing thrift shop clothes while one of your pairs of pants ends up costing the same amount as an entire outfit from Goodwill. (nice article btw)

  2. I think she thinks she is hot because her face hasn’t started to get fat yet. Come the double chin in a few years and it’ll be all over.

    1. You should look at her channel trailer from over a year ago. What a difference. Almost sad, I get why she has to tell herself it doesn’t matter.

  3. Such a shame man. I remember her a few years back, she used to be so hot. Feminism, Fat Acceptance and HEAS are ruining women.

    I blame the pig fuckers just as much though. If all guys just start ignoring these landwhales they would have to lose weight.

    So remember guys, no matter how long it has been since your last lay, don’t eff fat chicks, you’re only giving them hope and ruining her chance to become healthy.

  4. She got some big jugs at least that gives her some leverage. Compared to flat chested fatties.

    Hannah don’t forget to chug down entire boxes of ice cream for a great boost for self esteem.

    1. Dunno man, I don’t think fat girl breasts are all that attractive myself. I’d say the leverage is minimal at best.

    2. Fat girl breasts or in general big breasts, I don’t get it. Big boobs are more of a liability than anything else. First of all the poor chick probably has back problems and second, long term they are very likely to look like some cow tits. Once she’s 35…
      Yes, a tit fuck is nice, but I can live without it given the overall downside.
      Big boobs is something she’s born with. A tight ass is something she needs to work for to maintain. Says a lot about her personality if she can keep in shape.
      Then again, tastes differ, not everybody is into petite.

  5. While I agree that sometimes we should definitely improve the world around, including our life, our looks and our relationships with others, I wouldn’t dismiss positive thinking you describe at the end of the article. I buy clothes at second-hand shop, have been unemployed for a few years and has had suicidal thoughts. I am very aware that comparing to my peers (even though I live in Poland) I am a failure. Yet I do not despise myself and I try to maintain positive attitude towards the world. Of course I should do something (a lot, actually) to be more successful, but I totally accept that there is 90 % chance I will never be well-off, that my life will be barely decent and that I am no longer a nice looking lassie, but a middle-aged woman with an illegitimate child (the father stays in the picture, and there is no stigma any more, but you know…). Yet I do not feel bad about it. I am not going to pretend I am successful and I know some people would look down on me because of my status. But the awareness is not tantamount to being miserable about it.

    I have been reading about single and teenage motherhood recently. These women (girls) are truly disadvantaged, and so are their children. Yet they try to keep their spirit intact, as positive thinking is crucial to help them move on at all. It’s not about deceiving oneself, it’s about being an optimist in most dire circumstances. That is what kept lots of us alive.

  6. After her dry spell of dating, she did get a boyfriend, and then she started to put on the weight. As you noted, this seems pretty common. It is about the same as the whole dad bod phenomenon.

  7. Speaking of female trainwecks, have you heard of Sinead O’Connor? She used to be kinda hot once, I read yesterday she is having a public breakdown and has suicidal thoughts…

    1. Let me guess: is it because she has entered menopause, has no kids, no husband, and no career, now that her looks have faded?

    1. Thanks for this constructive comment. I somehow missed what your point is. Care to elaborate?

  8. Aaron,

    I do admit that the criticism was both vague and vitriolic. I apologize for that. My intention was to point out that your way of thinking is a bit outdated. Many women of the 21st century don’t feel the need to remain their prepubescent weight. This is partly due to their very recent promotion from sex-objects to personhood.

    Witton, in no way, should be described as a whale, carp (from your first paragraph,) or any other aquatic species. She simply rose from below average weight to a little less below average weight. Your attack of her perceived transgression against the male population is respected but baseless. If you prefer a women with a smidge more compliance, I suggest you move to either Saudi Arabia or the southern portion of the US. The Old Testament still has some influence there.

    Regards and God save M’lady, the Queen,

    1. Those women are very welcome to “feel” that they don’t need to stay in shape. As a consequence, though, they should not be surprised once they realize that there are no good men left.

      Furthermore, you have to consider that the average weight is a dubious metric. If Witton is indeed below average in weight, then the West can be considered shockingly obese. However, in a room full of healthy women, where the average weight would indicate health instead of obesity, Witton would stick out like a sore thumb, which would reveal that she couldn’t make an excuse for being fat by pointing to the average.

    2. Using “average” as a metric of anything is pretty ridiculous. It’s especially weird to use it these days when we’re told that anything “normative” is bad. And that supposedly we should praise the exception (people who aren’t like the average person/most people).

      But it seems to be (like many things on the lift) a “pick and choose your logic” thing.

  9. I would like to explore this concept of “good men.” Is this a group that decreases by a few percent per kilo added? Aside from their disdain for fluid centers of mass, what traits do these men possess that are absent from men who fancy a size 12? On the contrary, I find it to be this group of men having the ever-narrowing field of prospects courtesy of their elitist tastes rather than the women being scrutinized.

    I will cede the average weight argument to you. You are correct in saying that something is not necessarily desirable just because it is average.

    1. I probably don’t have to explain to a feminist like you what “good men” are, but since you pretend to play dumb, how about we use a preliminary list like “tall, good-looking, well-off” for starters? To put it simply, “good men”, when uttered in the context of the feminist wail referring to their absence are men who are desirable as long-term partners, are men who have options. Thus, they rather go for a petite feminine woman at the peak of her fertility than a washed-up, used-up, out-of-shape, strong and independent woman in her early 30s who wanted to “have it all” and wasted her youth on a supposed career in public administration or HR.

  10. It sounds as though all parties are satisfied then. Witton is in a relationship and the good men still have a plethora of women to choose from. All that needs to be done is a quick pre-order from a woman’s father and another prize-winning dog is yours when she turns 18. Her youth will be spent to its fullest in an apron.

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