A few concepts old-school PUAs introduced are valid, such as “one-itis”, i.e. obsessing about a particular girl. In this particular scene, though, this meant PUAs obsessing about more or less any girl who gave them any kind of attention at all. You had guys report about “catching one-itis” basically every time they went out. In contrast, the mainstream concept of infatuation seems a lot more valid. You can get infatuated with a girl even if you have had a few girlfriends already. While those two concepts may seem only vaguely related, I think that “one-itis” in the PUA sense is simply infatuation as it appears to a guy with very little sexual experience.
No matter whether you are a hapless wannabe PUA or a sexually experienced man who can’t get that one girl out of his head, those experiences of infatuation, no matter if they are unrequited or not, need to be put in a wider context. In the moment, your mind may fully focus on a particular girl. Yet, with some detachment, I think most guys, even if they are not sufficiently experienced with girls, should be able to develop a more stoic mindset that will allow them to keep their composure. Perhaps ironically, if you succeed in this, the girl you are so obsessed about may become a more realistic prospect. After all, by acting in what she perceives to be a weird way, you can easily ruin your chances. You will most certainly do better with her, and other women, if you can keep your cool in the presence of female beauty.
Another angle is the passage of time, which will help you put things in perspective. No, I am not hinting at the fact that we are all going to die and, according to mainstream physics, the universe will end too. Instead, consider that the girl you are obsessed with today will be a distant memory for you at one point. In that regard, a passage in a book I am currently reading, We Are Doomed by John Derbyshire struck a chord with me. I reproduce the entire passage below, but if the politics in it put you off, skip towards the bolded sentences at the end of it.
The main thing that comes to my mind when I am forced to think about the Middle East is our mustachioed friend Nietzsche’s idea of eternal recurrence—the same darn thing happening over and over again, forever. I go way back with the Middle East—always the same arguments, the same voices, the same grievances, the same horrors.
I see the younger me, in my mind’s eye, riding the New York subway in fall of 1973, on my way to a one-day dishwashing gig in Brooklyn, Rockaway, or the Bronx, following the progress of the Yom Kippur War in the dense, dull, smudgy print of the New York Times.
Further back yet, here I am sitting in the student cafeteria at Liverpool University with some friends, listening to news of the 1967 war, which the college was relaying to us on the PA system. One of those present was a Jewish girl who had spent time on a kibbutz. She kept shushing us to hear what had happened; then, when nothing new was being said, giving us long and passionate expositions of Israel’s case. I was rather keen on that girl. Sad: now I can’t even remember her name.
This passage contains a particularly British phrase. To be “keen” on someone is the polite Englishman’s way of saying “would like to fuck”. Adding a “rather” as a modifier means that you really, really would like to fuck someone. Yet, despite that massive bulge in young John Derbyshire’s pants, this girl has turned into a mere memory without a name attached to it. He probably wasted countless hours thinking about her, hopefully not without ever taking action. In the end, he would have done a lot better had he made a move quickly and, if she wasn’t interested, moved on as opposed to diligently waiting for his turn, or however else those “orbiters” justify their behavior.
A few decades are quite a long time. However, you can experience the same effect if you are involved with multiple women at the same time. I once had a fuck buddy I got along with really well and we had been seeing each other casually for a few months. Then, she told me that she’ll be out of town for a week, visiting family on the countryside, and that she’s looking forward to meeting me again afterwards. What happened was that, because I was genuinely busy (and was also hooking up with other women), she simply slipped my mind. I remembered her about three weeks later and texted her — and at that point she was not happy to hear from me again. Not one bit. She was genuinely upset and cut off all contact.
In hindsight, I found it quite unbelievable that this could have happened to me. I mean, you’d think that even if you have two or three fuck buddies and regularly hook up with new girls, you will still not forget about those you have banged a few times. That’s not at all the case. On the other hand, had I been some simp who never got some action, I would likely have obsessed over her and daily written her sappy emails as well as text messages about how much I miss her, even if I had never even touched or kissed her.
The problem of obsessing about a girl can be dealt with in two different ways. First, you could develop a stoic mindset, which is a lot harder than it may sound. Second, you just get busy with life, with or without women. If you are drowning in work, you just won’t have the time to obsess about some chick you met via Tinder the other day. You may even forget about her and only three weeks later realize that some girl you’ve banged silently unmatched you on that app.
Did you enjoy this article? Great! Here are further steps to take:
(1) Leave a comment and tell us what you think about this article. If your comment is not related to this article, then post in the most recent Open Thread. Keep the comment policy in mind!
(2) Check out Aaron’s excellent books, the latest of which are Sleazy Stories II, Sleazy Stories III, and Meditation Without Bullshit.
(3) Book Aaron for one-on-one consultation sessions if you want brutally honest advice.
(4) Donate to the upkeep of this site. This blog is free of advertising. This is great for your user experience, but the site costs money regardless. Please contribute!
The stoic mindset is mich more sustainable vs. being busy.
Not sure if anybody wants to be drowning in work all the time just to be distracted enough to not obsess about a specific girl.
Also as you get older it’s sad to see girls you once ‘crushed’ on lose their looks, I’m 35 years old now and it’s brutal to see that. Makes you not want to ever get married because who knows what she will look like in 10 years! The worst thing is after some women have children they totally transform into unfuckable.
I’ve seen girls go from sexy to dumpy in about 2 years.
I think because women have lower test naturally their metabolisms are a bit slower and bodies don’t regenerate as quickly. Also, it seems like childbirth sucks the life out of some women while others don’t change much. To be fair though most people take shitty care of themselves in general and don’t age well. The absolute worst years are the late 30s as plenty of formerly hot women go from still decent to completely invisible. I dated older women when I was younger and the transformation from 35 – 40 is ridiculous.
@Richard
It’s a good proxy to look at her mother to see what you can expect in terms of aging process.
Or you pull of an Aaron Sleazy and take a pick from a collectively better aging group of genetics and go for Asians.
Aaron,
I think the biggest issue with men who get prematurely attach to a particular girl boils down to men wanting “love”, who want to feel desired/validated. Quite often, these men yearn for a relationship, and want their love to be requited. However, most of these men are often “lonely and sexually inexperience”. In most cases, these men have had negative experiences with women, perhaps countless of rejections which has bruised their ego/self-worth or some other issue.
Once, they meet a woman who gives them attention, them become very infatuated/obsess/ecstatic. Thus, making it hard for them to focus on any other stimuli/activity in their life. I have seen this countless of times from friends of mine. Even worse, is that some guys will financially over-investment in a woman with the hopes of trying to induce her in hopes of getting her to like him. If they fail to do so, they become resentful. I doubt that these guys who are inexperience will be able to develop a stoic mindset. There’s nothing men can do other than to acquire more positive experiences with women to get in control of their emotions. They have to go through the motions of “one-it is” and learn from their experience. Men also need other options that are just as good at their current girl or even better.
This is all true. I still can’t get over women that I blew it with. I’m stuck in the past and can’t seem to learn my lesson that the next hot girl that is interested is right around the corner. I know this in theory, but have a hard time applying it in practice.
Regret is a bitch, quite literally. I see women who rejected me in the past on social media and laugh at what they look like now. And laugh even harder at their husbands. If they are still hot(and single) I used to try to contact them. They either forgot about me or felt spurned that I never made the move when I had the chance. Either way, they seem impervious to the fact that the wall is coming. Good looking women think that they will always be good looking, and have the pampered life that society wills it. After they hit the wall, their world crumbles upon itself.
In my opinion and experience, one-itis can also be a convenient excuse to not take action. it’s a good excuse for one to not approach/try to meet new women b/c they’re smitten with “that one” women.
Unrequited love can feel poetic and romantic but it robs you of your life and there’s a huge opportunity cost. The faster you can brute force yourself out of it, the better.
If you did want to develop a stoic mindset, you might want to consider reading Epictetus:
“Some things are in our control and others not… The things in our control are by nature free, unrestrained, unhindered; but those not in our control are weak, slavish, restrained, belonging to others. Remember, then, that if you suppose that things which are slavish by nature are also free, and that what belongs to others is your own, then you will be hindered. You will lament, you will be disturbed, and you will find fault both with gods and men.”
http://classics.mit.edu/Epictetus/epicench.html
One problem with oneitis, and a huge cause of issues for any type of relationship, is that in a relationship, you have to take into account your wants and needs, which you can control, but then you also have to consider the other person’s wants and needs, which are not within your control.
The standard PUA advice was always to GFTOW – go fuck then other women – and this is good advice. You might not be able to control how one person feels about you, but if you just get way more women into your life, from the standpoint of probability, you might meet someone with whom there’s a mutual level of interest. Until you need a reason to forget about that person – and now you have to fuck ten more. 🙂