Men

Dealing With Unjustified Feelings of Hopelessness

In my book Minimal Game, I mention the anecdote of some Russian teenage girl sitting on top of me who suddenly got shy and told me to “not look at it”, referring to her supposedly asymmetrical nostrils. This struck me as utterly ludicrous. As I further pointed out in this context, the problem with unrealistic beauty standards for women is that they take advertising seriously. They see a heavily photoshopped picture of some model on the cover of a magazine and think that this is what they compete against. In contrast, I wrote, a guy would respond to pictures of pretty boys with either indifference or they’d dismiss them.

In the meantime, probably fueled by online dating, men no longer seem to fare so well in terms of their mental health. Over and over I have had coaching calls with guys who are well above average in looks, yet are very insecure. One of my current clients even verbalized this by pointing out that he compares himself to pictures of other dudes. Sure, if your comparison is with fitness models who take steroids, possibly have had cosmetic surgery, and most certainly had their images touched up, you are in the same bizarre situation as young and very attractive women who think they are ugly because they don’t look like the photoshopped pictures and manipulated videos of other women. I believe, as we have discussed previously, that this is related to the recent popularity of the Blackpill community.

That client in particular was interesting because of his height. He’s a little bit taller than me (6′ 3.5″) and, just like me, normally the tallest guy in the room. Height is a very attractive feature and being that tall puts you in the top 1%. He is up there. On top, this dude has a full head of hair and a pleasant symmetrical face. Sure, he’s not model-caliber, but compared to the average guy he’s a superstar.

One aspect that struck me is that — not just in this example — the self-image of those guys is built on faulty premises, yet so powerful that it negates their real-world experiences. To give you a very simple example: if you have ever had a one-night stand with an attractive woman, you are well above average. Sure, girls seemingly fuck random dudes, but this is really not the case. The bar for physical attraction for a one-night stand with an attractive woman who only wants your dick, as opposed to your resources, is quite high. Maybe ask a few regular dudes if they’ve ever had a one night stand. Then there are guys who tell me that they don’t get anywhere with girls, but after some probing, I learn that they regularly end up making out with chicks in clubs and bars, or on dates, yet don’t get laid. In those cases the issue is clearly “anti-game” and not that they are not attractive.

You need to objectively assess where you stand. Sure, feel free to believe that you are ugly, but if you have amassed half a dozen one-night stands and have had a few girlfriends over the years, it’s just not likely that you’re ugly. Genuinely unattractive guys go years if not decades without any physical contact with women whatsoever. Furthermore, do not compare yourself to fantasy images like gullible women do it. No, instead go out into the real world: Take a ride on public transport if you never do that, go to a shopping mall on the weekend, or do grocery shopping in the evening! What you will find is that the average person in the West is in a shockingly poor physical state. Of course, if you objectively conclude that you look just as bad as them, then you need to seriously work on yourself, but the kind of guy this blog post addresses does not have this problem. I’m talking about objectively pretty good looking guys, solid 8s in many cases, who are convinced that they are average or below average. You’re only average if you believe that you are.


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8 thoughts on “Dealing With Unjustified Feelings of Hopelessness

  1. Wow, dude. This post was optimistic as hell. My story is a bit different (ugly duckling tale). Thing is, girls always responded well to my face when I was young. When I hit 18 or so, I became almost septic or something and had a terrible acne outbreak. It took me years to get it under control (think cystic acne). I went from having an above average face to looking like I had leprosy. The ordeal left me with scarring. It destroyed my self-esteem, even though it really doesn’t even look that bad today. I’m convinced that if that had never happened to me, I would have had multiple times more success with women, especially in my early to mid twenties (no success at all). As a result, I have extremely good health habits presnt day since I cured my issues using a holistic approach.

    1. I’m not Sleazy, but I’d never do it no matter how short I was. You’re setting yourself up for a world of hurt (around a year of down time) and possibly some long-term issues down the road, like chronic pain and possibly even disability. Not to mention that the costs of the procedure are astronomical. Not worth it. Just spend that money on whores.

  2. well then i am averaged height, low bmi ,thin bones, low masculinity had a pretty face , asocial and have periods of going years without sex.
    but then my face got smashed by repeated exposure to sun and lost my appendicitis , was struck with psoriasis and ezcema(got over those barely)
    that appendicitis lose really did a number on my face started to look more ill and sad.
    online dating is too brutal , but once in a while i manage to smash some thot,(i might as well caught some stds from kissing). with real world
    i barely got looks from girls, but i do .
    i am 29 btw
    you think i am genuinely unattractive tho?
    because girls quite frankly dont give a shit about me.

  3. Aaron/Alex,
    Question,

    On a related note, one of the topics I noticed that has not been discussed very much in your blog is the idea of personal development, commonly known as Inner Game in the PUA Community. There’s and endless stream of literature on personal development in the PUA Community as well in the Social Sciences (Psychology). Conventional wisdom has always maintained that your self-esteem, self-worth, self-image, self-confidence should not be based on others people approval and validation. Much of the advice that is floating around is tailored to the tune of “know your worth” etc…

    In the end, a lot of men feel very inadequate when it comes to the opposite sex. Men often become borderline depressed and resentful towards women when they keep having so many unsuccessful experiences in a row, and convinced themselves that it won’t work. They want to feel desired by the opposite sex.

    Following your blog for some time, you have emphasized the importance of making money, pursuing a career, and being fit. However, I have seen from second hand experience that there are men who are successful and/or have decent careers, and are in decent shape, but feel inadequate with the opposite sex. Underneath it all, they feel inadequate as a result of having too many bad experiences with women.

    What are your thoughts and experience on this issue of personal development?
    If men are established in their careers and in decent shape, what strides can men take to feel adequate about themselves when it comes to women?

    1. In most cases, those men feel inadequate because they are. “Inner game” can’t fix it. In contrast, men who do well in life, in whatever area, act much differently. I have seen plenty of guys change in the course of a few years, for instance as they transitioned from being geeks in college to making impressive salaries in good jobs. If your self-image is lagging behind your real-world achievements, then maybe just take a long, hard look at yourself and compare yourself to the average dude.

      Oh, men who are very successful with women can also have “bad experiences”. You seem to refer to guys who got ignored by women, or worse. However, you can likewise bang a chick and moments later ask yourself if this was really worth it, or you could end up in a relationship with a woman who turns out to be a harpy. Don’t assume that the grass is greener on the other side! I have had plenty of experiences with women I could do without.

    2. Psychologists study this, and the lag can be a log longer. Some people’s self-image readjusts quickly, for some it can take decades.

      Lisbon who was posting here is a good example of someone who causes and exists in a negative feedback loop. He walks around with a scowl on his face that makes women reject him/not want to be friendly with him. He uses that as proof that he’s unattractive and scowls even more.

      Same thing can happen to guys who continue to be bitter and get zero success with women, despite building up careers, status (etc). If they were sufficiently destroyed before building up the goodies… their self-reinforcing beliefs can be so bad that they prevent them from noticing that women are in fact start to show interest.

      The solution is simple. Super simple. Extremely simple.

    3. The solution is simple. Super simple. Extremely simple.

      And it’s not visualizations or affirmations or other Inner Game bullshit. It’s real world proof and evidence.

      I’ve used the same solution with a couple of guys like this. The solution that always works is the same.

      Basically I’ll have an acquintanced/friend who believes that women have no interest in him, and couldn’t possibly want to bang him. Despite the fact that he’s easily above average (due to status, success, and maybe even looks). And yes most commonly it’s due to self-image lag.

      The solution is that I give them a challenge. You have to PROVE that women are not interested in you. How? I dare you to go through the ladder with a 100 chicks until you either get hard-rejected (as Aaron would say “she’s no longer there) or until you’re having sex. Either or. Unless one of the 2 criteria are met, you can’t say she’s not interested in you.

      “She wasn’t responding like chicks do in the movies when James Bond says hello” doesn’t count as rejection, only hard-rejection.

      So I give guys this challenge, you have to rack up 100 real rejections from women, and only THEN are you allowed to complain that women aren’t attracted to you.

      Never had anyone meet this challenge, they up banging quite a lot of hotties, and their self-image transforms.

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