A common phenomenon is that when guys want to rack up lays and manage to do so, they go through a phase in which their standards may be a bit lower. This does not necessarily apply to a woman’s physical appearance, however. Instead, you could notice several red flags and still want to bang her. After all, it is not easy to argue with a raging boner, in combination with your OCD that wants you to get a few more notches because more notches are better.
Yet, with increasing experience you tend to get a bit picker. Normally, those are bad experiences. One of the first women I ever pulled was, so I thought, in decent enough shape. Yet, when she got out of her figure-shaping garments (I had no idea those existed), I frantically tried to figure out how I get out of this. In the end, I pretended to be really sleepy, but I didn’t dare to fall asleep in her bed as the thought of her touching me was horrifying. I didn’t want to pay for an expensive cab either, so I had to make it through this ordeal, which lasted until the morning. This one bad experience was enough for me to raise the bar significantly. As a general rule, I think that if you are unsure whether you should bang a woman, don’t.
There is more to women than just their looks. No, really! While it is easy to forego banging a woman you are on the fence about, it is much harder when you are sitting next to an absolute stunner. There is a red flag popping up every other minute or so, but you just don’t seem to notice them. Then you bang her and she puts on the kind of performance your friends don’t want to believe. They tell you that you should keep your bullshit to yourself, but you just shrug it off. Yet, as you are looking forward to banging her again, reality slaps you hard in the face. Maybe she caused some drama in the meantime because her life is so boring. Some women have a tendency to create a situation that requires a man to bail her out. This could be anything. She could overspend, get in an argument with her roommate so that she has to stay over at your place, or have an argument with her best friend in public, which necessitates that you need to come and pick her up. One chick I knew habitually started fights with waitresses or store clerks, causing me to intervene. Looking back, I’m baffled that I ever put up with such nonsense.
Red flags are easy to ignore if you are young and horny, but as you gain more experience, you hopefully quickly learn. How many women you’ve pumped and dumped need to tell you that if you don’t become their boyfriend, they’ll run to the police and file a rape accusation? Going through this once is more than enough. There are many other manifestations of emotional instability. Women tend to be rather adept at covering them up, however. Some they can’t. A particularly telling one is if she infrequently gains and loses weight. More often than not, this means that she is slimming down when she has gotten bored of the guy she’s with. Yet, once she has lined up the next guy, she will invariably pack on some extra pounds again. This is just the tip of the iceberg. You can be quite certain that if you pursued such a woman when she is signaling her availability you’ll eventually get burned. With unstable women, it is never just one particular issue. There is always something else as well.
Unfortunately, while I could pontificate all day long about the dangers of emotionally unstable women, very few men will accept this if they have never dealt with such women in their personal life. Men tend to make too many excuses. A woman has to become a real burden for a man to make him learn this lesson. Yet, the inexperienced man tends to suffer silently. Worst off are men who were raised by abusive mothers as they seem to think that such behavior is normal. To grow, however, you need to learn to set standards, not just for yourself, but also for the people in your life. Given the intimate nature of sexual relationships, including mere one-night stands, you also need to have high standards for women as you otherwise will pay a heavy price for it.
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Perhaps the question that flows from this is how do you recognize a true keeper in the early going, or even a “diamond in the rough”.
I think it’s pretty obvious that it’s dumb to pick a girl on looks alone. At the same time, Aaron, I’m sure you have noticed that very often, looks directly correspond to quality of character. I would not at all be surprised to find out that the average 9 is a better human being than the average 5.
Of course, a warm and wonderful 5 who treats her man great is a better life partner than an average-character 9 100 times out of 100.
In my experience with women, the 9 is almost always a worse human being than the 5, just because the 9 can get away with it. Kind of like a rich kid with a trust fund that has everything handed to them and never faces consequences for their actions is going to be an insufferable prick. Doesn’t mean the 5 is some kind of humanitarian though, she’s just playing the hand she’s dealt and it requires a little more personality and a pleasant nature to get by.
You are right. More attractive people tend to be more pleasant to be around, men and women alike. Less attractive women, in fact, tend to be quite bitter. It really gnaws at them that they are not as attractive as they think they should have been. That’s a different issue, though. The bigger issue is that there are very attractive women who have difficult personalities. Imagine a highly attractive woman with a cluster-b personality disorder love-bombing you. I think if you have never gone through this yourself, you will find it next to impossible to resits because you don’t consider this a red flag, even though it is.
Your “warm and wonderful 5” may be a pipe dream. Some guys believe in this false dichotomy, i.e. she’s either attractive or nice, but this is not true. If you go for an average-looking woman, you get the worst of both worlds: an unattractive woman who does not have a pleasant personality.
I’ve had to learn this through bitter experience myself. I think I used to tell myself it was no big deal because I was never going to settle down with these women, but it’s easy to underestimate the damage that toxic people can do to your life and mental wellbeing.
I actually recently wrote a list to myself of minimum requirements for a girl for me to want to date her. At the top of the list is “mentally healthy”. I’ve been stunned by some of the revelations from women about their mental states and their pasts. “Crazy” women get up to weird shit that the average guy would not believe. Now if I see even the slightest sign that a girl is mentally unstable I’m bailing.
Aaron,
– “with increasing experience, you tend to get a bit picker.”
– “Red flags are easy to ignore if you are young, but as you gain more experience, you hopefully quickly learn.”
This isn’t always the case with both sexes despite their age. It seems like both men and women often have a serious learning disability when it comes to dating/relationships that causes both men and women to be oblivious to red flags and many social cues despite how toxic a relationship may be. After a relationship break up, I have seen women and men emerge themselves into self-help in the quest of improving themselves and making better decision about relationship partners only to repeat the same cycle. No matter how many failures and abusive relationships men and women repeat they often fail to learn from their mistakes.
It seems like these types of people are deficient in basic social awareness, not being able to read social cues, being oblivious in general. Or perhaps, both men and women tolerate such behaviours due to the lack of options they may have in the sexual market place.
I have seen this with women who jump from one “bad boy” to another. There are women who just so happen to only have abusive boyfriends. Strange how that works. In contrast, guys tend to learn their lessons pretty well. This is one of the reasons why there are older guys around who opt out of dating after a failed serious relationship. Even before MGTOW existed as a movement, I knew of guys like that. Heck, even my dad had a few friends who imparted their life lessons regarding women on me when I was a teenager.
Women who end up with abusive boyfriends don’t do so due to a lack of options. They really desire those guys because they are the “alphas”. Just imagine how many nice guys she must have ignored to find the next thug to rough her up.
Aaron,
“This is one of the reasons why there are older guys around who opt out of dating after a failed serious relationship.”
What would make men want to get into another serious relationship after so many failed relationships? A classic example, are men who remarry multiple times as their wives get increasing younger. It seems like they haven’t learned some important aspects of making a relationship work well.
Those are complete outliers. Only a very small fraction of men get to swap their wife for a younger one.
@Chris
I think a lot of men feel pressured by family, friends, coworkers, society to man up and be there for some chick, or to at least give off the illusion that they are doing the socially acceptable thing by pairing up with a woman. Another motivator is that a lot of men don’t like their own company and loneliness motivates them to get a girlfriend and settle down. Perhaps they don’t have any definite goals or passionate hobbies, or it could be that they happen to just not be very smart (or even insane) and keep making bad relationship decisions. Maybe they don’t have access to decent quality women (I’ve accepted this) or aren’t able or willing to put in the effort to land one, so they settle for subpar women.
@Pickernanny: Good comment! I think you covered all the reasons.
„Another motivator is that a lot of men don’t like their own company and loneliness motivates them to get a girlfriend and settle down. Perhaps they don’t have any definite goals or passionate hobbies…“ Yes, being able to spent (a large chunk of) ones time alone with oneself as well as having purpose in life are crucial. Having a somewhat interesting job and/or hobbies can go a long way, too.
„Maybe they don’t have access to decent quality women (I’ve accepted this)“ These women are really hard to come by if only because they are so fucking rare. And there is always the risk of „false positives“. Furthermore, the „decency“ of „decent women“ depends to a large degree on cultural, socio-economic and legal parameters outside of ones control. And even if these parameters do not change to once disadvantage, certain events in the life of a woman (i.e. pregnancy, child birth, menopause etc.) can cause a sudden dramatic (mostly undesirable) shift in her personality due to the new hormonal setup that goes along with these events.
All in all it’s very tricky IMHO to find a decent woman that stays decent at least long enough for the children to leave the house as sane, healthy and functional adults. I certainly do not envy men who (are convinced they) have an inherent(?) need to settle down and/or procreate.