A recent discussion in The Open Thread #54 centered around the question of how to deal with rejection. Basically every guy who has ever approached a woman knows that getting turned down can really sting. In the worst case, a high number of rejections may even demotivate guys from approaching women altogether in the future. Wouldn’t it be great if there was an effective way of dealing with the frustration that comes from rejections? There is. Unfortunately, it is a bit of a chicken-and-egg problem.
Stepping back from the issue, you may recall that seduction gurus of yore told you that rejections will stop to matter once you have gotten used to them. Other gurus told you that you are the “prize” and if she rejects you, it is her fault. The problem with the former is that countless negative experiences will only demotivate you. I don’t quite see how a guy who has to approach literally 1,000 women to get one single date that leads nowhere does not end up getting depressed. He may even “rope”, to use black pill vocabulary. This is not an exaggeration. Mass-approachers back in the days really did that poorly at times.
The problem with being the “prize” is twofold. First, if you are the effing prize, then why do you have to approach women at all? Why aren’t you the one rejecting women, instead of the other way around? Some men indeed have women come on to them, in subtle as well as less-than-subtle ways. Consequently, they feel more like selectors as opposed to mere pussy beggars. Second, why should the average man who does not bring much to the table feel as if he is the “prize”? This is a serious question, which I would have loved seeing answered by PUA gurus.
You are not the “prize” because you repeat affirmations in your head twenty times in the morning every day. Instead, you can be the prize if you tick a few boxes that all relate to looks, money, and status. If you were a high-status guy, then you would likely feel good about yourself more often than not. There is a time-lag effect, i.e. if your position in life improves a lot, it may take a few months or maybe a couple of years for your self-image to catch up. Yet, the observation that success in life makes people feel better about themselves is very easy to make, but it is only most obvious in hindsight.
The psychological sting due to having gotten rejected can be nullified easily with experience. This affects successful guys who lack sexual experience as well. If you hardly ever get laid, and you desperately want to get laid again, you are in a pretty bad starting position. Of course, if it is part of your self image that you can get laid regularly with pretty decent looking women but it has been half a year since you last got your dick sucked, then it probably won’t feel good if yet another woman tells you to get lost. In contrast, and this is where the aforementioned chicken-and-egg aspect comes in, if you get laid regularly, then you just don’t care much about some chick turning you down. You just approach a few more until you get laid again. Note that I said, “a few”, not “a thousand.” Guys who are successful with women don’t go around doing indiscriminate mass approaches.
What will also help you if you are genuinely busy. If dating fills a void in your life, yet you are not doing particularly well, neither in dating nor anything else, then you probably feel like a loser. This is your body telling you that you need to change your life. Yet, if you have a hard time squeezing one or two dates a week into your busy schedule, you may even be glad if some chick ends up flaking on you. In some corners of the Internet, this is referred to as an “abundance mindset”. However, this is not just a mindset. It has to be a reflection of your life. You won’t be able to fake having a busy life because you will know if you are only wasting your time. Likewise, you won’t be able to fake sexual confidence or knowing that you are desired by women if you are not. If that is your problem, then maximize your “foundation”, as I call it in my book Minimal Game.
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11 thoughts on “Dealing With Rejection Effectively”
“…recall that section gurus of yore…”
“Section gurus”? ?
Or damn “autocucumber”?
Thanks. I fixed it.
One thing I’ll add is that simply having a somewhat high partner count, and memories of sexual experiences with a variety of women, can make rejection sting less, even if you’re not currently getting laid and you’ve been dry for a bit. In my case, if I’m rejected by a girl, one easy way to comfort myself is by reminding myself that I’ve been with hotter women (which is almost always true), that I’ve done things in the bedroom that this girl likely won’t do, and that I’ve already experienced women that were similar to her. And that I’ve already, to an extent, “had my fun.”
Regarding some of the comments about emotionally fraught negative thinking surrounding rejection, this is a trap a lot of guys find themselves in. Dating and sex is a huge source of frustration for many people, even good looking, social guys who have been getting laid since they were fourteen. If you’re able to remain cool and level-headed, you will be at a huge advantage. And indeed, rejection isn’t necessarily permanent. By keeping your cool, you leave open the possibility that you might eventually end up banging a girl that rejected you.
One of the tenants of NLP is that “there is no failure, only feedback.” NLP is a thoroughly debunked pseudoscience, and I don’t think any “game” that relies on it is worth exploring, but I think that is a pretty decent quote. If you’re approaching tons of women and getting nowhere, then that’s the world giving you feedback that maybe you’re not doing something right.
I find one good way of approaching the world is as if you’re some sort of scientist, forming hypotheses about the way something works, or about how to accomplish something, going into the world and conducting your “experiment” (in the case of game, your approach), and then assessing the results in the most objective manner possible. So maybe try this – when you approach a girl, think of it as an experiment. Your hypothesis is that the woman signaled that she’s interested in you and wants you to approach her. Your approach is designed to test whether or not that hypothesis is true.
I also think that even if you approach someone and get shot down in the rudest manner possible, you might find a certain humor in this. You walked up to a woman at a bar and said “hi,” and she’s acting as if you killed and dismembered a puppy right in front of her eyes. Can you see the absurdity in that? Just laugh about it and move on, and maybe later on spend 10 seconds to ask yourself if there’s any lesson you could learn from the experience.
the problem with this hypothesis testing is that i never able to predict what girls into me. it always someone i didnt expect and those i expect usually end up wrong, so you might assume every chick who is around you physically is into you untill proved otherwise. every attempt to characterize girls who into me to draw predictions ended up as failures for me. it is a wasted energy. you just need to be quick and keep going regardless. such experiences is not easy to get if you are less then 7 guy.
On a related note, one common theme that stood out as I read this *article in conjunction with your others previous articles that you published is the idea of “VALIDATION”. There’s an endless stream of literature on “Validation” from PUA to Psychology. Conventional wisdom has always maintained that individuals should not seek the validation of other people. There is a problem with that kind of reasoning. A man’s confidence depends on a woman’s validation. Men acquire validation through female approval which stems from positive reinforcement and feedback. All this is the by-product of your “Looks”. The more attractive you are to the opposite sex the more options you have, and only a select few of men will have excess options at their disposal. Being attractive to women changes your perspective. Thus, your physical appearance affects your feelings and how you carry yourself.
In the end, men often become borderline depressed and resentful towards women when they keep having an incessant amount of rejections, and so many unsuccessful experiences in a row. This is further compounded by cold approach. They become terrified of approaching women, especially high caliber ones – 9’s and 10’s, feeling intimated by their exterior physical beauty. Underneath it all, they feel worthless as a result of having too many bad experiences with women despite that some of these men are decent looking. They tie their self-worth to any outcome and situation with a woman letting their emotions control them. Ultimately, men go to the extreme of approaching, dating, and casually hooking up with women who are either unattractive, older, and over-weight despite that they may have decent looks.
1.You have emphasized the importance of making money as it makes you feel accomplished. However, there lies one problem. Looks trumps Money. If men are established in their careers and in decent shape, what strides can men take to feeling validated if they are not good looking or just simply average looking? Women judge men off of their looks first. You have stated that women don’t Lust after “Average Guys”. Too much rejection from women is not healthy as it can impact one’s psychology.
2.You have mention before that a lot of men often care more about validation; the hunt more than actually having sex. How is this possible? My understanding is that validation is tied to sex. When you have sex, you are letting yourself be vulnerable.
3. As men get older, their looks will fade. Thus, they will receive little to no validation, and their sex life’s’ will be diminished. What are your thoughts and experience on this issue?
-These were the articles that shared “validation” as a common theme.
*Chadstruck: The Paramount Importance of Physical Attraction in Dating
*Anti-Game and The Problem of Lack of Confidence
*Dealing with Unjustified Feelings of Hopelessness
If a man is good looking enough and stays in shape he can maintain his looks well into his 60s. Some may become even more appealing to women. I’ve asked multiple women which Sean Connery they prefer, younger or older. Almost all of them say older.
We are not women after all ?
I disagree. Young women don’t generally want 60 years olds, maybe in theory they can point to a 60 year old man that they find attractive, but in practice he will not be getting with many 20 some year old women. There may be some exceptions, however, Sean Connery is also rich and famous. Women in their 20’s today probably haven’t even heard of the man.
There’s some red pill wisdom that illustrates a chart showing men’s vs women’s SMV bell curves. I think it’s full of shit, honestly. In terms of raw SMV, all things equal, men are not hotter versions of themselves when they hit 40. They might be better marriage material, but they’re not hotter.
1) If you have looks but are poor, your dating options for anything beyond one-night stands will be constrained. If you have money but lack looks, max out your looks in whatever way is sensible. The vast majority of guys are nowhere near their realizing their full potential.
2) Guys get validation from a woman talking to them. They rather have a chic talking to them than risk losing her by sexually escalating. This may sound bizarre to you, but it is very common.
3) As you get older, your sex drive will diminish. Also, nature wants you to procreate, so having kids is one option. You could of course also set different goals for yourself.
I certainly was not saying that men get hotter when they hit 40. I was talking about a very specific demographic. Basically an exception to an exception to an exception. I just mentioned Connery because everybody knows what he has looked like over the years and to show how far it can go with looks /age. My main point is that men don’t fade in physical attractiveness if they are good looking to begin with + stay in shape (until they get REALLY old).
Sure, you don’t see many 40 something men with 20 something women, but why? IMO it has nothing to do with the man’s pysical attractiveness (stressing that he is good looking and in shape).
Women don’t care about pretty skin and hair as much as we do. It’s more about facial structure, height, build, frame etc. I think the reason we don’t see handsome 40 something’s in shape with hot 20 something’s is:
1. Handsome 40 something’s are rare (he’ll good looking people in general are rare).
2. 40 something’s don’t generally run in the same social circles as 20 something’s.
3. Many handsome 40 something men have had their fill of fucking hot sluts and want something more serious.
4. Many of them actually have a wife and established a family and career, and that is their main focus in life.
5. Most importantly, it is a social taboo for modern Western society. This is more of a recent phenomenon historically speaking.
Having said all that………..It STILL happens. I used to work with this dude close to 40 who was shacked up with a hot 20 something. I know a smoking hot 20 something who routinely fucks a 53 y/o man. I myself am no spring chicken and get tons of attention from hot 20 something’s. Occasionally even from girls in their late teens.
One more thing about Connery. He was never young during his acting career. He was about 32 when he made his first Bond movie, and he looked even older. He didn’t get any younger after that yet his career flourished.
I wanted to add that myself and the other 2 dudes mentioned don’t make much money. I know the attention is for my looks because usually these flirtatious happen at work.
It is because of the rejection that I stopped with women, drastically lowered the level of women and had no chance, I got tired. So I’m focusing on myself so I can relate to the women I want, even if I spend a lot of time without having sex.