Recently, we have been talking about experiences with difficult women on this blog. As it turned out, some of you have encountered or even had relationships with women suffering from cluster B personality disorders. It’s probably a bit of a stretch to say that those women “suffer” because they seem to quite enjoy living out their madness, with many being opposed to treatment. My ex-wife was and never stuck to therapy as well as to any kind of medication. She certainly was happy to try a lot of things, probably in an attempt to see if there was a way to get some “narcissistic supply” from it.
Anyway, as I was thinking about some of the exchanges we have had on here, I remembered that in my private life people used to not discuss problems with their girlfriends, even your closest friends didn’t do so. I’m now a bit older and I’m no longer surprised when a friend or even sometimes an acquaintance who needs someone to talk to just drops a bomb by telling me that his girlfriend is a “total bitch” and he needs to get rid of her, but doesn’t quite know how. I don’t think my experience is partcularly unique. Sure, writing about the women problem for over a decade and offering consultation sessions for about as long, I have interacted with many more men than the average guy. Yet, it is still the case that the average guy today seems much more willing to share his frustrations with women than he or his predecessors used to be one or two decades ago.
I recall teenage friends pretending that their girlfriends were perfect when everybody else knew that he got himself a reprehensible woman who fucks around behind his back. One guy I knew had a chick who stole money from him and I wasn’t quite sure whether he pretended he didn’t notice it or whether he thought it was a price worth paying. You may now wonder how come I knew that. Well, she also liked to drink and she didn’t have much of a filter. In other words, she bragged about it. For instance, if he had four 50 Euro banknotes in his wallet, she’d take one or two, and when questioned, she’d either pretend to not know what he wanted, gaslight him and tell him that she was sure she saw two such banknotes stick out of his wallet, or blow up in his face because it was utterly unacceptable that he insinuated that she was stealing from him, the guy she loved more than anything else in the world. This is not too different from women you have a one-night stand with, telling you how they can’t wait to move on from their boyfriend, sometimes asking you right afterwards if you’d be willing to dating them.
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Furthermore, I think many guys almost took pride in getting abused by their woman at home. Admitting to others that you can’t handle your woman was presumably also an admission that you weren’t a “real man”. Apparently, “real men” take all the shit in the world and don’t ever complain. I do think that this was the prevalent attitude even a mere ten years ago, when it seemed that guys wanted to get laid or get a girlfriend at all costs.
The fact that some men now openly discuss their issues has done a lot to make us realize that maybe the problem is not us. Instead, it is the fact that the typical woman is simply difficult to deal with. There is the saying that if everybody you encounter is an asshole, then maybe the problem is that you are the asshole. That may indeed the case. Yet, you could very well be in an environment in which indeed everybody is a fucking asshole. Likewise, you could be an upright, go-getting guy with a lot going for him and every girl you meet could nonetheless be a megalomanic, egocentrical bitch who thinks you’re beneath her because you’re a man. I think our situation is not quite as bad. Yet, the expectations men have on women are presumably at an all-time low and they still can’t find a woman who could tick those few boxes.
The problem is society, which encourages women to become walking liabilities for men. We had to see many of us getting slaughtered in divorce court, becoming alcoholics, or ending up with clinical depression. We have also learned to critically reflect on our own relationships and drew our own conclusions from them. As a consequence, today’s men are very weary of women and nobody can blame them. None of this would have been possible had we stuck to yesteryear’s ideal of allowing your girlfriend or wife to abuse you and not talk about it to anyone.
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Aaron, I’ve been a loyal reader for over four years. I rarely comment on your posts because I’m just here to learn. Just FYI, someone else has commented under my handle before.
I’d like to ask for your insight on my observations related to your post because I bet you’ve experienced something similar. I’m also sure that Alek Novy has studied this and could add some explanation.
I’ve been meditating since before I started reading your blog. Any woman I’ve gotten close to romantically says one of these phrases at some point:
– “I’ve never seen you mad/upset”
– “You’re always so calm”
– “You don’t ever argue”
Whenever this happens I know to prepare myself because in each case the woman starts to give me trouble afterwards (where there was none before). I always do my best to keep a cool head when this happens (and in general in my life). I don’t like strong emotions because I have unusually intense physical reactions to emotion – good and bad. It’s part of why I meditate.
For example, a woman may ignore my messages for a while (days). I simply wait until she responds and reply promptly as if nothing ever happened. If she doesn’t reply within two days, I’ll send a message as if nothing happened. If that gets ignored I don’t reach out until she does. The longest I’ve waited and received a reply is a little over one month.
Or, she might raise her voice while making a mountain out of an ant hill. I’ll politely ask about the source of the problem and let the woman express her frustration at length. She can yell, curse, get red in the face, interrupt. My rule is that if she insults me or gets physical I will excuse myself.
Another common one is that a woman will show up late. To everything. But once the magical phrase appears they become especially late.
You may be reading this and thinking that I will take any abuse. No, I have politely told a woman that I would rather not see her again because “it’s not working” ( she had a couple unwarranted blow ups where she got insulting). I let contacts disappear without closure if I’m ghosted twice. When women are late I don’t mention it because I’ve learned to show up late myself or bring a good book. I often receive apologies or “sweet treatment” after handling each situation calmly.
Is this something that you’ve experienced as well? Basically, it feels like manufactured drama gets thrown my way because I’m level headed. Sometimes the arguments/passive aggressive contact behaviors feel so phony yet the emotions are real. I think some women just want to see you upset at them or want to have a good fight with you from time to time. My sample size is tiny but the pattern feels obvious.
I focus on keeping interactions positive unless I have a serious concern. That means I don’t often argue but when there’s a real problem I cut contact without looking back.
I suspect that men who are more reactive/prone to argue have less problems with unnecessary drama because they keep their partner on eggshells. Or maybe that aggressiveness is seen as “confidence?”
In my country we curse a lot during normal conversation, so its important to be able to see the difference between a regular curse word in the middle of a conversation and an actual insult. That being said, if a woman ever insults me, or makes a scene in public, that pretty much seals her fate – the relationship is over.
Only once or twice did it happen with a girlfriend (the same i referenced in the previous post) that she made a public fuss about something. It was a minor thing, nothing I did actually, but I found it embarassing she was making a scandal in front of a bunch of strangers on the street.
When I tried to calm her down, pointing out that the situation that infuriated was not under our control (traffic jam) and there was nothing to be gained by getting angry about it, she took it out on me and called me a pussy and a pushover. I knew right there and then the relationship was dead (but stupidly allowed it to go on for a few more months).
If she ever gets to the point she feels contempt for you, thats a point of no return. Dont allow yourself to be fooled by any hopes, cut your losses and head for the exit.
I would suggest you put up much stronger boundaries. While you may think that it is admirable that you are so cool and calm and happy to read a book while some chick lets you wait, she loses respect for you. Don’t ever think they are not aware of what they are doing! They know very well that they are 30 minutes late. Feel free to just get up and leave. If you want to be more diplomatic, tell them in advance that you know that due to traffic etc. it’s not always easy to be on time, however you are quite busy and don’t have time to wait around.
Also, some deranged women will provoke you just to see if they can get an emotional reaction out of you. This is a way for them to exert emotional control over you. I’d recommend you drop such women right away.
Thank you for your feedback, Aaron. I will take your advice. Especially your point about emotional control.
Yarara, I agree with your point about contempt. I wish you the best of luck with all your dating in the new year.
“Furthermore, I think many guys almost took pride in getting abused by their woman at home. Admitting to others that you can’t handle your woman was presumably also an admission that you weren’t a “real man”. ”
This quote and the whole article relate to that large comment I’ve been meaning to write about infidelity. In Latin American culture, I get the impression that a lot of men take shit from their wives lying down (even the wifebeaters, to some extent), and choose to release all the frustration by cheating mercilessly. Even in very macho environments though, abandoning/neglecting your family to support a lover is usually frowned upon and, instead of stopping the womanizing, ultimately a lot of them end up simping for two (or even more) women. Not a great coping strategy.
I’ll try to get around to writing that post and explain myself in detail on this issue.
I’m looking forward to this post. In fact, I’d be happy to promote it as a featured guest post on the blog.