One of my readers recently shared a story about a girl who was genuinely throwing herself at him. He chickened out, and as a consequence, the girl felt rejected, which meant that he missed his one and only chance to get her. Normally, women send, at best, ambiguous signals. That one was rather forward, though, suggesting having a drink at her place, with an added wink. It is easy to imagine what could have been.
Indeed, many men have regrets about not having approached a particular woman, for whatever reason. Maybe you are on vacation and notice a cute girl at the beach. She’s smiling at you, but you can’t deal with it. As you walk past her, you think that on the way back you’ll make a move and may even, with the power of hindsight and some time to think, carefully plan out how you are going to hit on her. Yet, as you return, she is gone and you’ll never see her again. Or maybe Chad came along in the meantime and already has his dick in her. I hear that during spring break that’s a rather common occurrence.
Yet, the big problem with wistfully reminiscing about all the chances you have missed is that you make assumptions that are not at all justified. That young, sexually attractive woman may indeed be the woman of your dreams and be perfect in every imaginable way. Sure, you may as well buy one lottery ticket and become a millionaire. What is a lot more likely is that she is as vapid and untrustworthy as most girls out there. With experience, longing and regret will bother you less and less. Heck, sometimes, I wonder whether I should regret having gotten sexually involved with that many women. Most were indeed not worth my time and, overall, a negative experience. Have you ever busted a nut in a chick and lost your interest right afterward? If not, you should. Then you may find it easier to miss out on the opportunity to bang some chick because you know that after you’ve come, you likely couldn’t care less about her anyway.
Leaving the realm of the merely sexual, and looking at more serious relationships, you would likewise conclude that the women you missed out on could have been your worst nightmares. How many of your relationships went well? Your number is 0 or 1. If you are currently single, then all your previous relationships failed for one reason or another. If you currently are in a shitty relationship, your number is 0. On the other hand, if you are in a relationship that is going well, then that is your one relationship that is, for the time being, worth it. All the others were mere learning experiences at best. Numerically, you can conclude that most of your relationships were, or will
To tackle this problem a bit more analytically, based on the previous insight, assume you regret not having approached more than one girl throughout your life. True, if it was just one, then she could theoretically have been your dream girl. However, with more than one, you can easily show that at most one of them could now be your perfect girlfriend, and that is the very best case. The others would be pump-and-dumps or failed relationships. For extra credit, you can turn this into a nice mathematical proof due to the fact that as
Another aspect is that you simply get older. Let’s say you regret not having taken the chance to bang that one girl back in college. Now, assume the opposite, namely that you did take your chance and she was every bit as great as you imagined. Well, too bad that she’s your age. Would you, as a 30- year-old guy, rather bang a 30-year-old chick, or someone considerably younger (and hotter)? Probably the latter. Thus, your missed chances make it easier for you, provided you do well in life, to get younger women of a higher quality because you did not settle early.
Time is quite brutal. Let me add an anecdote, a bittersweet one. When I attended university in London about a decade ago, a friend of mine was pining over some girl. She was pretty attractive: tall, slender, beautiful model-caliber face with great cheekbones. She was actually friends with me and gave me plenty of opportunities, which I did not take. Once, she invited me to a cup of coffee in the shared kitchen in her dorm and then we, somehow, ended up hanging out in her room. I had a few reasons why I did not want to bother with her. One was that I wanted to focus on my studies and not bang some chick I run into on campus every other day. Another was that I found her a bit too calculating. On top, she also looked quite old for her age. She was in her early 20s but she looked as if she was in her late 20s. Her skin was not that great close-up, and she had a lot of wrinkles under her eyes. Still, when she was dolled up, she was a real looker. She was one of the women you catch other guys turn their head for. She was not quite my type, though. Still, she was quite fun to hang out with because we had similar interests and liked the same bands.
I had a friend who had a big crush on her. He was basically salivating whenever he saw her with me. What particularly annoyed me was that he sometimes tried quizzing me about what kind of person she is, what she likes, what I talk about with her and whatnot. My suggestion that he could just talk to her he didn’t appreciate — until I got enough and just introduced him to her. It was about as awkward as you could imagine, but at least my friend didn’t have to bother me anymore. As the year went on, that girl eventually drifted away. Clearly, she was disappointed that I didn’t make a move, so why should she keep hanging out with me? My friend tried getting that girl to hang out with him, but that didn’t really go anywhere. On that note, he has a history trying to hit on girls I knew or approached, which led to a fallout between us.
About ten years later, I am not kidding, that guy sends me a message on Facebook, telling me that he banged that girl. He was boasting about it and used the most pretentious phrase I have ever read. He referred to it as “accidentally painting the Sistine Chapel.” I had lost touch with that guy about a year after graduation, so that was a most unexpected message. I heard nothing from him for years — and then he sends me that! For background, that guy has been doing very well in his career. What had happened was that she had reached out to him; she did not really get anywhere in her career, in case you were wondering. They began chatting on Facebook and a few weeks later, he flew from New York to London for a week. They hung out and quickly ended up fucking. My friend viewed this as some kind of triumph. (Nothing came of it in the end, though.) I congratulated him on his success as that was what he wanted — acknowledgment from the guy he used to look up to for his pickup prowess. I was not really that impressed by it. My interpretation is that she simply reached out to a bunch of guys online whom she met over the years. Since my friend is now balling, he was a good mark. On a side note, when I looked her up
Another issue is that the supposed triumph is not really one if time has been wearing down your idols. Banging your university crush when she’s in her early 30s and desperate for a guy with a fat wallet is downright pathetic. It reminded me of how some boxing champions, after retiring, make a comeback and end up getting knocked out in the first round by some third-class brawler. The woman in that anecdote I pity, but the guy is about as bad. Can you imagine
I also had it happen to me that some women reached out to me on social media, many years after I had met them. The most egregious case was a girl I went to school with until grade 6 or 7. She was the most attractive girl in class and she often hung around with me. Too bad she entered puberty years before me. Some of the other kids were teasing us; looking back, I wouldn’t be surprised if she had wanted some dick even back then. Well, I had completely forgotten about her. Yet, about twenty years later, she tracked me down on social media and emailed me, sending me a bizarrely long message. She wrote that she’s so happy to have found me, asked me how I have been, and tells me her life story. I had to think for a moment who that person was. All I saw was not a pretty woman but a pretty fat woman with heavy makeup on. But even if she had been slim — what’s the point? She thinks she can just reach out to a bunch of guys she’s met throughout her life, hoping to reel some sucker in. It’s a Hail Mary. Those women seemingly try to seduce guys with the memories they have of them as if she had remained young and beautiful in your memories. That you could have completely forgotten about them or that they are no longer good-looking does not seem to even register as a possibility for them.
Those unique chances you’ve missed were not worth it, based on how unsatisfying dating is. Worse, you had your chance at a particular point in time. Even if you could, you will not recreate that opportunity. That does not mean that any of those women will not reach out to you in the future. Should you pursue that path, though, you will only get disappointed. Your just punishment awaits. It is poetic justice: you did not make use of the chance you had to get with the young, attractive woman, and in the future, she may haunt you as a hag. On the other hand, if you had banged her when you first had the chance, you would have moved on eventually. By taking your chances, you consume women when they are more attractive, and because you have discarded them once, they will not try to hunt you down when they are old, fat, and ugly and desperate to secure a provider.
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17 thoughts on “The One Who Got Away (Be Glad That She Did)”
Needed this. Thanks!
Tempus vincit omnia. There I said it!
Reminds me of a kindergarten crush I had once. She moved to another country, and for years I missed her, and once I got internet I tried to look her up online, but no sucess (this was before social media). A few years ago I visited Europe and found her on facebook, and met her in person again… man, am I lucky she got away. 🙂
My elementary school crush, who I was hopelessly (and one-sidedly) in love with for about 6 years moved to another school halfway through. I looked her up recently, and she hasnt turned out very hot either… in fact, I think she might even be a lesbian.
My high school crush…. well, you see a pattern here 🙂
“They all come back.” That’s what I’m always saying.
I know I have a selection bias, because many don’t come back, but those who do feel like such a significant number.
They all come back to us, because bottom line, we are the good guys who got or lives together. And with time, this becomes a heck of an attractive trait.
You know how they say that 90% of traders lose money? Well guess what, 90% of people suck at life. And as time goes by, all women want a piece of those 10%.
My life feels like a continual cycle of:
– I’m like I wish i could get chick x
– Five years pass and I get much better quality than chick x, and then when I meet the original chick x, i’m like “wait, I can’t believe I was ever attracted to her, boy did I dodge a bullet”. “Wow I’ve come a long, way, was a I really attracted to chicks like this back then? Nowadays I am the one rejecting them for and they pursue me”.
In other words, it’s a good thing they come back. They just remind you how much your value has risen and how much you’ve progressed.
If it weren’t for those chicks, I know I wouldn’t even recognize my progress. Because you see it day-by-day you don’t even notice that the quality of people you attract today is like 10x better than 5 years before. It takes bumping into those people from the past to realize.
“In other words, it’s a good thing they come back. They just remind you how much your value has risen and how much you’ve progressed.
If it weren’t for those chicks, I know I wouldn’t even recognize my progress. Because you see it day-by-day you don’t even notice that the quality of people you attract today is like 10x better than 5 years before. It takes bumping into those people from the past to realize.”
Like, when you have this happens a couple of times to you (usually such a cycle takes 12 months for me, where I make progress in some way), you start relaxing about not getting this or that chick. They come back, remind you that you’ve progressed significantly, you move on.
Where it gets interesting is when you can anticipate the difference that’s gonna be there between the two of you in 1 year and then you don’t even bother.
At some point one has to settle down though. Can’t chase the “next level” forever. There is a “good enough” kinda level. And once you have kids, I think on a personal level it’s quite a stagnation. Passing all the wisdom on to them doesn’t give leave time and energy to explore “new levels” for yourself.
Are you talking about looks or overall?
It’s 1-2 years in my case as well. I originally wrote that, but swapped it with 5 years, coz I thought i’d come of as arrogant saying the progress is that fast. But it really is, chicks out of my league today are beneath my league in 2 years.
Not sure what the question is… but i’ll give you an example… it includes both.
It’s 2014 and I meet a chick in my social circle. Objectively I know she’s just a 7,5, but I’m like I gotta bang this chick, she’s a hot 7,5. And I act needy around her, like she’s the higher value pussy i have to slay. When I see her in photos on facebook/instagram, i’m like damn I’d like to do her.
Come 2016, my status has raised quite a bit in the meantime… I bump into her somewhere… and i notice a whole bunch of imperfections I never noticed before. Her butt flaws, her skin imperfections, her teeth… etc… I’m like I wouldn’t bother with this chick if she threw herself at me, and she’s the one acting needy.
I go home and look at those original pics from 2014, and I notice I don’t find her attractive, coz i bang hotter/better chicks today (who don’t have those flaws), and they are chasing me. I look at the pic and wonder how I ever find the chick in the pic oh so hot.
So lookswise, it’s the same range, sevens and eights and the occasional 8,5… It’s not like I go from sevens to eights to nines to tens in 6 years. Those are entirely different leagues.
But even within the same league, let’s say girls who are an eight… there are higher value and lower value eights. Do you know what I mean?
Like both chicks are an eight (taken in sum), but one has more flaws, including both minor physical and major character flaws. One is feminine and submissive and amazing in bed, whereas the other is a dead fish in bed, and zaps you of energy anytime she opens her mouth.
So what happens is that a chick I’m like “oh I wish I could bang her” today, in 2 years, i’m banging higher value chicks than her on autopilot. She might be an eight, and the ones i’m banging are also eights. But way higher quality/value eights.
In terms of going up a whole looks league, I don’t think I’ve ever done that. Like i’ve always been in the same range…
– For one, you never meet nines and tens in the real world (maybe once in a decade?)
– I’ve never gone for less than a 7.5 in my life, ever, not even once, not even as an experiment, never touched one or made a move on one, ever
So I’ve gone from struggling to be given an occasional chance by an occasional low-quality shitty eight… to having high-quality eights pursue me.
So you can i’ve gone up a league, in the sense that originally I couldn’t even get a seven almost all. It was a huge numbers game, requiring lots of effort, and now they’re chasing me, so i guess i’m a higher league.
So it seems in terms of looks the chicks you’re attracting are only a little better, but most of the improvement is in personality/femininity and other desirable qualities. And also the work required to get with them has diminished to the point where They’re chasing You.
I only had hot women chase me once or twice. The women who usually chase me are ones I’m not interested in.
Now when I say chase, I mean make physical moves, make plans to hang out. All the shit we guys normally have to do to get laid. Is this what you mean by them chasing you? Or is it more like chick chasing where they are giving clearer signals more frequently. More eye contact etc.
Either way it’s a feat to have hot women chase you consistently, but I presume they’re chasing you for an LTR rather than a FB type relationship. Does it translate to casual lays?
I wouldn’t say they’re a little better. I’d say they’re a lot better in looks. There are parts of looks that aren’t genetic. When I say a chick is an 8, I mean her genetic features. Easy example, hygiene, grooming, being physically active and toning parts of her body can improve her looks.
Unlike guys fooled by makeup and such I don’t say a chick is a 6 because she is unkempt… And then she’s a 7 when she puts on makeup. The base is the same.
Also you can’t say you need to jump 5 grades for it to count as a lot. That’s only possible if you started very low, with like 3s or something and went to 8s.
Again, in the real world 8s are the hottest you will meet. You can’t even find or meet 9s and tens. They’ve all been moved to NYC by a modelling agency or spend most of their time on yachts and private parties.
Tl;dr going from a low 7 to a high 8 is a huge difference.
You’re not actually working with a 1 to 10 range. The actual range we get to work with is 5 to 8.
Personally I never tried with 5s and started all my attempts with 7s from day one. But who knows maybe 5s were my realistic match back then (coz 7s didn’t much care for me, and I did get hit on, asked out by the occasional 5)
Thanks for the article! :=))