In a comment on my recent article Destructive Relationships, Chris asked the following question, which I want to explore in detail:
“Some women are so adept at pushing the guy’s buttons that he will hit them at some point.”
So, how do you handle a situation like this?
First, let us talk about the observed behavior. Perhaps some of you have even experienced yourself that there are women who either fly off the handle or become cold and manipulative. In both cases, they want to elicit a reaction from you. It is a bit shortsighted to say that these women are simply crazy. Obviously they are. However, there is also an evolutionary explanation: some women want that their man puts them in their place and if he does not do that, she will find a man who does.
Obviously, the previous statement will enrage feminists to no end, but let us be realistic here: How is it possible that some women go from one boyfriend who hit them to another? Women choose their men, so if a woman shows a consistent pattern of getting involved with violent men it is because she simply prefers those men over others. I do not think these women make a rational choice. For them, it matters that they do what feels right for them, no matter what that may be. A violent partner apparently promises certain evolutionary advantages. Maybe you should not tell these women that we no longer live in the ancestral environment. At that time, though, picking a man who is prone to violence was simply one of several evolutionary strategies. There is probably a link to certain genes but because we cannot research politically inconvenient topics, we have to wait until we can corroborate this hypothesis scientifically.
Women who want a violent man need to also confirm that he is indeed as violent as she hopes. Thus, it seems safer to do this is the privacy of one’s home than in public. Yes, there are women who entice their man to get into a physical fight in a public place, for instance by flirting with another guy in front of him. This has the risk of her guy getting a serious beating. In addition, a guy not engaging in violence may cause the woman to experience humiliation in public, which she wants to avoid.
In order to assess whether her man is violent, which she may phrase in bizarre terms such as “wanting to feel that he loves her”, she first has to size him up. This can happen quickly, within hours, or it can be part of an extended operation spanning weeks or months. At some point, though, she will want some proof that her guy is able to control her. Thus, she may start a seemingly innocuous argument that spirals out of control because she does not back down. The reason can be anything. She may accuse you that you have looked at other women or that you do not fuck her the way you used to, which is apparently proof that you would rather be with someone else. Perhaps she claims that your dick was never big enough for her. Some women may even physically attack you, hoping that you will hit them back. These women just keep going, making more and more aggressive statements until they elicit a strong reaction from you. Someone told me that his girlfriend claimed she fucked someone else behind his back in such a situation. It was not clear whether this was even true, and it did not matter to either of them in this context. She wanted him to exert dominance in the relationship, and he afterwards simply wanted out.
One of the most unpleasant encounters I had involved a woman who claimed, the night that I met her, that she had just broken up with her boyfriend. I had reason to believe that this was not the case and that she merely intended to jump ship, or that she told herself that she had broken up with him so that she does not have to feel guilty over me fucking her. The next time I met her, she told me matter-of-factly that her ex-boyfriend had picked up his things at her place recently, and had hit her, in response to her telling him that she now has a new boyfriend. She showed me her bruises. My interpretation is that she told this guy that he should take his things after she had met me. This caused that guy to hit her as he was violent, and surely he was not stupid, realizing that she had cheated on him and dumped him afterwards. She was not too upset about the violence, though. Her manipulation attempt consisted of attempting to use these bruises to make me feel pity for her. There is also a good chance that he beat and afterwards fucked her, so I was pretty disgusted by this situation. In any case, I surely do not need to point out that you should stay away from such women.
Even among more refined women you can encounter problematic personality traits. These women use a somewhat more high-brow approach to enrage you. For instance, for a few years I did not work and spent my time partying and pulling chicks. I did not have a lot of money, nor did I need a lot. Still, I was not completely brainless and made sure that I had enough savings, taking into account my very low living expenses, to ensure that I would not get into financial difficulties. Yet, I recall one woman who tried to turn my temporary lifestyle against me. Out of nowhere she made the statement that I am “bringing shame” on my family, that I do not amount to anything, and that I am utterly useless. She was getting more and more aggressive. I reminded her that I fucked her plenty of times, but that this would now end, and kicked her out.
Speaking of how to behave in such situations, you obviously do not want to escalate. Let them talk. I also strongly recommend that you end such a relationship either right away or, if she comes across as completely unhinged and you are concerned that she will do something genuinely stupid, soon afterwards as you are dealing with a mentally unhealthy woman. You have just seen part of her dark side, and there will be a lot more, so do not play Captain Save-a-Hoe and make excuses for her! Sure, she may have had a tough childhood and maybe her ex-boyfriend even hit her (she chose to be with that guy!). Perhaps she even brings up a psychological diagnosis as a last-ditch effort to make you rethink your decision to leave her. In such a situation you will hear that she may have psychological problems, such as a depression if not something even more serious like a bipolar personality disorder. Just ignore that and do not change your mind.
As a child, I unfortunately experienced such behavior from women. My mother used to flare up over nothing in irregular intervals and harangued my father. At some point, my father inevituably hit the table with his fist and shouted that this was enough. Then my mother immediately shut up, was happy again, and continued doing whatever else she was doing. From this, I concluded that I did not want to be romantically involved with a woman who behaved like that. Neither should you. I think I could not stand it, and the examples I mentioned above are even worse. These women set up a lose-lose situation for you. If you do not put them in their place, they will only feel encouraged to push your buttons some more in the future, but if you do put her in her place, she has you by the balls as she can easily file domestic violence charges.
In my experience, almost every woman is capable of pushing your buttons, and it doesn’t matter what her background is. My mother is, for all intents and purposes, a conservative woman, just not militant about it at all, and mentally healthy for the most part, yet she exhibits irrational behavior often. Plus, she’s the only one who has constantly put up with my Cluster-Bitch sister. A mother’s love alone doesn’t cover it, because she doesn’t tolerate even a tenth of the grief from her other three children (including my accomplished older sister); the only reason I can think of is that she somehow feels identified with her at some remote level.
They’re estranged now, but it took my sister bringing up the police to her (imagine the nerve) and her choosing to go live with her new sucker for it to happen. She’s 33 now and doesn’t look like she’s going to have children any time soon, barring some accident. God knows she would make a lousy mom, so let’s pray she stays childless.
That sounds pretty close to my experience with my family, Manny.
The main reason is that they see an attack on the cluster bitch sister is a direct attack on the mother herself.
Same applies to myself talking about growing up without a dad. My mom would defiantly say, “You’re blaming me!”
“Doth protest too much.”
–William Shakespeare
Well, to be honest, your mother sounds much worse, from what I remember of your recollections here. Mine didn’t bully me, at least. Like, 90% of her irrationality came from her dealing with my little sister (and how it came to bite us, the other siblings, in the ass at some point), the other 10% was pretty minor stuff, though it more often than not ended in an argument.
Is the troublesome sister the youngest?
@Karl: yes, she is. The older one is a normie through-and-through, but a very accomplished career woman. So accomplished that she waited too long to have her first child at 35. In her case though, I really hope she gets to have another, she deserves it, though I’m afraid it’s too late for her.
Ah, yeah, figures. For some reason it seems quite common that in families with multiple children, if the youngest one is a girl, she ends up a pain in the you-know-what, but for some reason the parents cut her a lot more slack than any other child. I’ve seen it repeatedly. 🙁
“she somehow identifies with her on some level,” is what caught my eye. Also, my mom often complained about HER sister getting preferential treatment from my grandmother.
I think mom’s always take it personal when their offspring are attacked. I’ve also considered if “good girls,” quietly envy bad girls: “She know what she want, and she know how git it!” (Poor English is on purpose).
Consider if they like Scarlett O’Hara in Gone With the Wind (if you’ve seen it).
@Karl: it checks out. Though only my mother puts up with her. My late father would’ve kicked her out of the house repeatedly.
@GLAS: I’ll have to check Gone with the Wind before the damn movie turns a century old.
Hey Manuel, I’m in the same boat. Didn’t see it until a few years ago. Didn’t know what I was missing. I actually recommended it to Aaron.
There is a reason why it stands as the top grossing film of all time (accounting for inflation). Lots of messages. Love, lust, war, aristocracy, masculinity, narcissism, morality, loyalty, you name it.
This should be taught in every high school in the world. Before young men become voters, workers, suiters, consumers, outnumbered by bullies etc. So many lessons:
https://youtu.be/S72nI4Ex_E0?si=oid1rb3pUeZwdbfJ
Also keeping his cool. Not falling for the passive aggressive personal attacks. That had NOTHING to do with the Confederate situation. He respectfully bowed out.
Scarlett took notice……
To be fair, Rhett Butler was also being kind of passive-aggressive there.
I haven’t seen the movie, but in the books, he often uses passive-aggressiveness as a tool to needle other southern gentlemen. It’s not far enough beyond the bounds of politeness for them to challenge him to a duel or anything, but it’s far enough beyond those bounds that the other gentlemen won’t want to be seen resorting to it themselves.
I’d recommend the book to anyone. It’s quite a good and interesting story. 🙂
PS. The physical appearance of the characters seems to have changed a lot for the movie. In the books Rhett Butler is handsome, but more of the roguish type, and also has darker skin (not as in an urban gentleman – think a very tanned white person), and is very muscular. First time Scarlett sees him, she describes him as:
“powerfully built. Scarlett thought she had never seen a man with such wide shoulders, so heavy with muscles, almost too heavy for gentility. […] He was dark of face, swarthy as a pirate”
Scarlett is, however, in love with another man, Ashley Wilkes, who is a classically attractive white man, and more socially reserved. Rhett Butler is clever, cocky, quick to come up with funny remarks, and disarming people verbally. Doesn’t make much difference to Scarlett.
A bit of a nightmare scenario for someone trying to sell the PUA worldview, heh. 😀
(Scarlett is large-breasted and very beautiful in the book.)
True, but the nerd got personal. I hate when people do that in debate.
I’ve never read the book, but intend to. 1,000 pages, yikes. Clark Gable was chosen because the fans demanded it. The book was huge. There was a sneak preview at a theater in Riverside, California. The crowd exploded when they found out the movie was finally coming out. I’ve heard that Scarlett wasn’t portrayed as hot in the book, hhmm.
There is a documentary of the making of the movie that is really good. Forget the name. They went through like seven directors before settling on Fleming. Who also directed The Wizard of Oz the same year. Crazy.
Fun fact: Clark Gable dropped the Jew producer in a fight that the producer demanded. What a Chad move.
GLAS:
The book famously starts with “Scarlett O’Hara was not beautiful, but men seldom realized it when caught by her charm as the Tarleton twins were,” but when you read it, you realize that that notion was quickly abandoned. Past the first paragraph, she is repeatedly described as attractive, with men falling for her even when she’s not trying to be charming.
The book was written by a woman, so I write that off as female wish-fulfillment. Margaret Mitchell herself was fairly plain-looking, so I can imagine how she would have wished for a world where simple charm could overcome that. 🙂
Well, to be fair, women are not always good judges of other women’s attractiveness level, and being male tastes so varied, it’s no surprise.
I think Scarlett was partially based on Mitchell herself. Her grandmother used tell her stories about the Old South. In the movie Melanie’s character was more attractive IMO. And a WAY better woman. The actress who played her just died a few years ago. I think she was over 100 y/o.
@Karl
I noticed that you said you read the “books” (plural). Have a read the sequels? Mitchell refused big offers for a sequel. She said *SPOILER* that Rhett never goes back, and was looking for someone less difficult.
Another fun fact: The movie was re-released in theatres in 2019. Damn! This was right before it was recommended to me and I missed it 😞
*Spoiler Alert*
Anyway, I’ve read reports that the men in some theatres gave Rhett a standing ovation when he finally left her 😄 I wonder what the ride home with the wife/girlfriend was like 😂
GLAS:
Melanie is a great woman in the novel as well, while Scarlett is more or less evil. Scarlett is more physically attractive in the novel, though.
If I wrote “books,” it was a typo. 🙂 I did actually read the unofficial sequel Scarlett, which was written by another author (Alexandra Ripley). It was alright, but nothing I would particularly recommend.