The original idea of the Olympics was to compete in sports that were not just of a recreational nature. You could make the argument that every single discipline of yore had direct or indirect applications to warfare: riding a horse, running, throwing javelins, jumping, rowing, archery, etc., were all highly relevant skills before the industrialization of warfare. In modernity, we have seen more and more disciplines getting added, including utterly frivolous ones. For instance, the Paris Olympics 2024 included break dancing as a competition for the first time. A hot Japanese woman won gold, but the performance of Australia got much more attention online. As it turned out, getting a 36-year-old woman with a PhD in the culture of break dancing signed up was not a winning move:

Australia has lost the plot. For the breakdancing competition at the Olympics they put this woman with a PhD in breakdancing up as a competitor. She admits that she barely ever trains and complains that she doesn’t fit into the hierarchy of merit, which she considers to be a form… pic.twitter.com/zrmIhPZLjt

— Ian Miles Cheong (@stillgray) August 10, 2024

It is unclear what the societal value of break dancing is. However, if such an activity could get elevated to the status of an Olympic discipline, I really wonder what we, as a society, are doing. Surely, there is no national curriculum on break dancing and an elaborate system for identifying top youth talent. The idea of founding a national academy for break dancing would be utterly ludicrous. Yet, if break dancing, an activity with a low skill ceiling, no practical applicability, and negative social status can be an Olympic discipline, then why not think about other possible Olympic disciplines?

The question has to be asked why we could not consider absolutely any activity for inclusion in the Olympics. There is a great meme floating around of Hitler and Speer attentively watching a fat kid engaged in an obscure activity called “fingerboarding”:

This meme was funny because the contrast is so stark. Clearly, nobody was fingerboarding in the Third Reich, and I do not recall ever seen anybody as fat as that kid in historical photographs. Based on what I have read, fingerboarding is a “lifestyle” nowadays. Well, why not convey some extra status to it by adding it to the 2028 Olympics? These will be held in Los Angeles, so I could not think of better opportunity.

Letting my imagination go wild, I think the Olympics would benefit greatly if its organizers broadened their perspective a little bit. I could imagine a “street robbing” discipline, which consists of an attacker trying to subdue an assistant. There could be an element of choreography to it, but this discipline may instead go for a more competitive spirit, meaning that brutal take-downs and speed of execution are more highly regarded by competition judges. I hear that certain demographics have been practicing this skill for years in the West, so perhaps it is time for them to showcase their ability globally.

There are also potential disciplines women could compete in. Stripping is an obvious candidate. It would make for a great counterpart for gymnastics, with which there is a partial overlap of the required skills anyway. As a sub-discipline, perhaps even twerking may be elevated into an Olympic discipline. In any case, I would be interested in seeing what an 18-year old gymnast at peak performance could do with a pole. Speaking of poles, and stripping, we could also have a blowjob competition, focusing on technique. In gymnastics there are nine judges, so that number would be a good start. Of course, there are details to be worked out, such as what kind of performance constitutes a “10”, but we sorted this out for break dancing as well. Also, there is much greater societal applicability of these skills than the aforementioned break dancing. In the spirit of widening access to the Olympics, we could get a few old hookers to compete. Australia sent a 36-year old academic to the break dancing competition, but countries that take the Olympics more seriously could get some serious global attention. Just imagine the media response if Thailand sent a bona fide all-star team straight from Pattaya!

Just to be clear, I am not joking at all. If random nonsense activities like break dancing can be turned into an Olympic discipline, countless other activities should be considered, too. Arguably, a pretty good argument can be made for including stripping and “meat-poling” as an Olympic discipline as the skill ceiling seems quite a bit higher than what I have seen from break dancing. Besides, many men have been wondering which country has the sexually most skilled women. The French and Italians seem to be convinced that their women are the best whereas Western men seem to have a preference for Thai women. This is a question the world clearly deserves to have answered.