Dating · Men

Neediness Management — A Problem that takes care of itself

I’m still going through files that I have amassed over the last 5 to 10 years. While doing so, I unearthed anther article, which I completed but never posted anywhere. The context was that back then, some PUAtards wrote about “neediness management”, which I thought was yet another nonsensical concept. The claim was that guy need special “techniques” for handling the neediness they encounter whenever a girl shows just the slightest bit of interest. Here is my mildly edited post from 2010, which now finally sees the light of day.

I never really understood the discussion around “neediness management.” Of course, there is the community cliché of the guy who desperately wants to make the first girl he manages to “lay” his girlfriend, no matter what, only to revert to his old submissive self right afterwards. They are similar, on an abstract level, to horndogs who go after anything that walks. Such people exude desperation. It’s no surprise the women they interact with will lose interest fast. Girls don’t want to feel easily replaceable, and they also don’t want to feel as if the guy they are with is not attractive to other girls. Think about it: what would it say about a girl if she ended up with a guy no other girl wanted?

Extreme neediness boils down the ingrained belief that the girl you are interacting with may be your one shot in life to get a girlfriend. I kid you not, I have spoken to people who used those very words. Quite frankly, though, for unattractive guys there is some justification for that belief because if they don’t get their life in order, it will be very difficult for them to get girls. Extreme neediness is, in my opinion, a consequence of lack of experience. We’re talking about guys who are either virgins or who have barely ever had sex. However, there is another aspect: insecurity. Guys are needy because they think that without a girl they are deficient. Thus, the moment there is the chance, however remotely, that they could get a girl, they get a bit cray cray.

Once you have gotten to a level where you have gotten a fair amount of sex, you may realize that sex, as pleasant an experience as it may provide, may be great, but even if, for whatever reason, you don’t get laid, it’s not the end of the world either. Somehow, the unrealistic expectations of sex many young guys foster remind me of hype surrounding new movies or video games. A few trailers make salivating teenage boys believe that they really have to watch a certain movie, or play a certain upcoming game. That unknown quantity may be the best movie or game of all times — the ads say so, right? Such insanity should be cured through falling for a turd of a game or movie once or twice. Coming back to sex, I think that pursuing sex via one-night stands serves completely different purposes than having sex with your girlfriend. The former is an expression of your need of validation, more often than not, while in the latter, sex increases the romantic bond between you and the partner. After a few one-night stands, though, the need for validation may wear off.

Getting laid with random girls is, in my opinion, overrated. When I got to the point of living in literal “sexual abundance”, I couldn’t care less whether I got laid or not. My usual setup consisted of a regular girl in an open relationship, a “friend with benefits” I saw about once a week, and the occasional hookup. This lifestyle was fun for a while, but it didn’t take me long to get to the point where it almost felt like work. It was hard to sustain, and if you think the “player lifestyle” is nothing but great fun, then wait until you get to that point. You can get tired of no-strings-attached sex, and this most certainly has to do with the fact that the time investment for a one-night stand is rather significant. After a certain point, reading a good book may be more interesting than going to a club and pulling a girl.

I couldn’t care less whether I got laid or not, because I have seen it all, and I have achieved a level that by far exceeded my wildest dreams. Eventually game began to feel repetitive to me — What’s the point in having yet another five-minute bathroom pull? —, and I changed my focus to other aspects of my life. I suspect that similar experiences are one of the main reasons why pick-up and seduction, at least on more extreme levels, are only phases people go through. In the end, many want more than no-strings-attached sex, and begin to realise what that kind of sex really is: “just sex.” You may almost wonder what all the fuss was about.

21 thoughts on “Neediness Management — A Problem that takes care of itself

  1. When I broke up with my last girlfriend three years ago, I started visiting prostitutes.
    I did not want to bother with that whole dating shtick anymore and wanted to focus totally on my career as I’ve just graduated University.
    As of today, I’ve banged more than 100 of them (I keep an Excel sheet). I’ve had zero neediness yet, because sex is – as Aaron wrote – just sex. If it’s a commodity for you, it ultimatley loses it’s fake magic.
    Heck, sometimes I don’t fuck for 2-3 weeks and don’t miss anything.

    So my recommendation for every needy guy out there would be: Take a couple of bucks, fuck around and then focus on what’s really important in life.

    1. I’ve been thinking about switching to escorts myself. Do you find sex with prostitutes as good or nearly as good as with a girlfriend or a fuck buddy?

    2. I do!
      Personally, I’ve come to like the whole package of dealing with prostitutes more.
      You are paying for a service that’s come-fuck-and-go and focuses only on your needs.
      I also prefer sex with hookers, I think they are better at it than regular girls, it’s more porn-like.
      In the end, it depends on what you are into.
      You want to wine and dine a girl and be Ryan Gosling in La-La-Land? You’re wrong with prostitutes.
      Though if you want hassle-free, ubiquitous fun, it might be worth a try.

    3. @ GMoney:
      “Is sex with prostitutes as good or nearly as good as with a girlfriend or a fuck buddy?”

      It depends. On what? On the kind of personality and overall sophistication of the prostitute, on your personal disposition and on the amount of $$$ you’re willing to shell out for sex.
      Prostitutes can provide great GF-like sex – and yes, there are not few prostitutes who really do enjoy it, if you enjoy it too (girl-cum, anyone?). Of course, she’s never going to be your GF (you should be grateful for that) and you should never develop that kind of feelings for her.
      I don’t know where you reside and what the sexual pay-sex market looks like in your region. The regular low-tier prostitute might probably be too repulsive to serve as imaginary sexual substitute for a GF.
      But think of it: through whichever means you encounter a sophisticated and sexually attractive prostitute or escort, she likes your $$$ but also likes servicing you (similar to a plumber) and somewhat overall enjoys spending the time with you and getting to know about you. She might turn into some kind of a regular mistress. In the end, an arrangement like this can turn into a special friendship – in many ways more interesting than a traditional LTR, and last even when the sexual servicing has ended (I personally know of a few of such long-standing friendships.)

      On the other hand: since you’re always gonna leave after 30 mins. / 1hr. / 2hrs. of shagging as a free man without any hassle or nagging or sexual blackmailing, even the aftermath of good pay sex can feel very good.

      The cardinal downsides of course are: there will be no close emotional bond and there is no possibility of sexual reproduction with such women.

      If you live in North America, Advocatus Diaboli’s blog has some interesting writing about his intense experiences with excorts, you might wanna check it out:

    4. Do you feel that pickup is easier if you are fucking many escorts? Some guys told me this. I don’t know how true is it for everyone.

    5. Do you feel that pickup is easier if you are fucking many escorts

      I might have a good guess about this.

      I actually recommended this strategy to one of my friends. He took my advice and he started banging high-class escorts (the expensive cover model kind).

      He’ll go bang an escort every 15 to 60 days.

      Here’s what I observed… Overall? The advantage isn’t that big on a monthly basis. Because he’ll go bang some 10 on the 1st of the month. For the rest of the day and the next day he will be on a high. Like super confident and charming and has an easy time meeting chicks etc.

      Within 3 days it will wear off. Not completely go away though… He’ll still be like 10% above his pre-escort-banging self. So it’s not a huge difference on an average day.

      So to answer your question, I think if someone banged MANY escorts (like every other day)… It might make a substantial difference. But thats a lot of money… Can you afford 15 sessions a month?

    6. 15 sessions per month? You are kidding right? That’s sex every other day. Even I am not that much of a horn dog.

      On the other note, you right, the effect might wear off after some time.

  2. Pros and Cons of mongering.

    1.Girls are hotter
    2.Willing to please you and not herself
    3.More sexually experienced
    4.Very cheap (compared to divorce or paying her expenses for a married lifetime)
    5.Varity of sexual partners (no one masturbates to the same porn video again and again)
    6.You dictate the interaction
    7.Easy access to sex
    8.Ability to show her off (sometimes)
    9.Supports the girls
    10.Time can be spent on more important things than pickup

    1.Unimportant people (at least in your life) have made you have cognitive dissonance when you try to call an escort. (because you think you are going to be shamed as a loser)


  3. The only reason I have never done the escorting -thing is that I reinvest 100% of what I make.

    From a purely logical standpoint I’ve always supported this strategy. And I think if I won the lottery I’d outsource my entire sex life to escorts.

    And then I’d focus on other goals in life.

    1. I am interested to know how you save 100% without living with your parents or something?

      I haven’t done the escort thing either. But I too understand that it is a good option if push comes to shove.

    2. I mean 100% of what’s left over after paying for groceries, rent, the bills etc…. I’m a cheap ass xD I wear clothes for as long as I can get away with it, and only buy new stuff when I have to. I spend 0 on entertainment or “fun”.

      My only costs in life are the base living expenses. If I go out I literally won’t order even a soda. I only go out for free at places that don’t charge for an entrance and I let my friends do all the ordering. I cook all my meals to save money. Never eat out… etc etc…

    3. I also buy everything I can in bulk, so my living expenses are optimized as they can be. I do try to strike a balance between making my expenses as low as possible and still having my nutrition be “fun”. It’s the only area of life where I spend even a cent on “fun”… all my other fun in life comes for free.

    4. @AlekNovy
      Hi Alek,may I ask if there’s any book/source of information you would recommend for successfully starting your own business? You probably don’t remember it,but we actually once had a brief conversation on Aaron’s old blog here (I’m SAG44):

      I didn’t ask this question at the time,but now I have taken an interest in starting my own business in the not-so-distant (hopefully) future. I’m not necessarily looking to become rich (If it happens,awesome. but I know that’s not realistic) but I do want to earn a good income while maintaining as much freedom in my life as possible. In that old post,you say that although you don’t make as much as you did in the past,you now only work 4 hours a day. which is quite awesome compared to the 9-5 toil that most people go through.

      Blackdragon/Caleb Jones (a PUA you’re probably familiar with) apparently gives advice on how to achieve this in his Alpha 2.0 book. I’ve considered getting that book,but I’ll save that as a secondary option and decided to ask you instead,as I know you to be a more trustworthy source.

    5. I am sorry but that’s a terrible way to live. What you do is akin to waiting till old age to have sex.

      You’ll have a lot of money after ages of reinvesting/investing 100% of what you make however, your legs will be too weak of aging then to do anything so that money is worthless to you.

      You might as well then give 100% of that to a young family member.

      That said, I understand living within your means is important but there is no substitute to making money. Reinvesting/investing is shit. You have to make money and not just invest because most investments makes meager returns. Investing is a game for rich fucks. (Stressing on the words rich fucks) Just my two cents.

  4. Having a stable relationship with a girlfriend can be a lot cheaper than going to hookers.

    And how can being able to constantly picking up girls and sleeping with them are the same as sleeping with prostitutes? The former gives you a good boost of male ego, the second is just paying to have sex.

    Luckily, nothing stops you from going to high-quality escort to learn how to fuck, and then gain that sexual confidence to start fucking women for free.

    Last but not least, living for the pussies is a lifestyle. You can’t have a stable demanding job and dabble into pickup at the same time. That lifestyle is great and fun for a while, but if you stay there too long, you will regret as time goes by.

  5. “Last but not least, living for the pussies is a lifestyle. You can’t have a stable demanding job and dabble into pickup at the same time. That lifestyle is great and fun for a while, but if you stay there too long, you will regret as time goes by.”

    If you are an artists, like a professional musicians, guitarists, drummers, DJs, please, give me a break, I exclude you from that statement.

  6. “Hey Aaron, do you think having sex with escorts is good to get over neediness?”
    If you mean “neediness” as in an emotional attachment you have for a girl you have dated for a while but you suddenly realize that things don’t work out and decide to cut off the relationship, and around you you don’t have any available option to latch onto, then yes, fucking a hooker to get rid of that feeling of neediness is a great solution.

    It’s even better if you have some close comrades, talk to them, consult them and pay for them to have fun with you. It’s like sharing a bottle of beers.

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