There are a lot of dumb feminist claims out there. One I have come across a few times, but rarely, is that it is no problem for a woman to raise children on her own because even if she thinks she cannot handle it anymore, she can always get a man to marry and support her. This is of course utter nonsense when you look at how desperate and miserable single mothers are. The argument continues by stating that single mothers are a catch because they enable men to have an “instant family”. Everything is ready-made for the guy. He only has to sign up for this ride to be part of it.

However, no man wants an “instant family”. Even older, childless single women carry enough emotional baggage with them to make men want to avoid them. If she also brings children from a previous relationship into a new relationship, this problem only compounds. The new guy will always be the outsider, and as much as the children from some other man will be coached by mommy, they will never accept this interloper as their new daddy.

Men are also very aware that they have no genetic bond to these children. One of the best metaphors I have come across is that marring a single mother is like continuing another guy’s saved game. Think of a long RPG where you have put in twenty or thirty hours. Nobody wants to continue playing from that. With children from another guy it is of course worse as they require as much attention and (financial) support as biological children would.

Single mothers, when they have found a guy who wants to settle down with them, also seem to pursue the strategy of quickly having a child with this guy so that she can create a stronger tie between herself and that man. This is how single mothers end up with children from different men, by the way. Before it comes to the next break-up, though, there will be infighting in the family, with the children from the previous relationship considering the new child a competitor for mommy’s attention.

I also have personal experience with such situations. In my wider family there is the case of a woman marrying into our family, divorcing, and then remarrying. The two children from her first marriage never accepted the new guy as their replacement daddy. Both moved out shortly after their 18th birthday as there was constant tension at home. An even more tragic case, for the second husband, I saw unfold from a seat in the first row. I was banging this teenage girl who was living with her mother in a big house just outside of Berlin. The house was not her father’s. The new guy of her mother bought it. This man tried to ingratiate himself with his non-daughter. He even once suggested I join them on a vacation, all-expenses paid. This guy was pretty well-off and he always put on a fake overly jovial facade. Whenever he was around, I could sense that my girl was tensing up. She even wanted to keep physical distance from this guy.

Obviously, the dynamics between mommy’s new guy and the daughter from a previous marriage are downright bizarre. There is no biological reason why this guy should not feel sexually attracted to the daughter instead of the mother. In fact, this was probably the main reason why this young woman did not feel comfortable with him around. To her he was just another guy who potentially wanted to get into her pants, and she had to live in his house. This story ended badly: The guy had a stroke and while he was bed-ridden in the hospital, his then-wife filed for divorce and tried to get as many of his assets as possible. He had either lost or was likely to lose his house. I did not stick around long enough to watch this unfold to the bitter end as I had seen enough at that point.

An instant family is a bad idea for everyone involved. It is not a good selling point, and men who feel tempted to consider such a relationship because all they can get are single mothers should consider if they are not better off on their own.