At least every few weeks I casually interview, primarily to keep my interviewing skills sharp. It is also good to not have to start from zero whenever the company you work at needs to lay off people, which is a frequent occurrence nowadays. This year I had two interview processes that were a bit different from what I was expecting as there was a distinct female touch to it.

One company had reached out to me and asked if I was interested in a “friendly chat”, with the goal of seeing if there is a potential “mutual interest.” The phrasing was a bit odd. When you speak with a recruiter or a hiring manager, you do no have a friendly chat. They want to figure out if you are a good candidate for their open position and you want to learn more about the company and their business in order to see if it makes send to do a proper interview process and, if you get an offer, jump ship.

A few weeks later, I got approached by a different company, but with a very similar playbook, so I am wondering if this is a reflection of the impact of some HR influencers. I did the first “get-to-know-you” chat, which was not an interview even though it obviously was. I liked what I heard about the company, so I wanted to proceed, but my enthusiasm took a bit of a hit when I learned that the next step was a meeting with a senior female employee of the company. This would give me pause regardless, but that was not the main point: I was asked if I wanted to meet that woman for a “casual conversation over coffee”. I clarified what they meant, and indeed their suggestion was that I would meet up with that woman in a café in the business district. I had to understand that I am dealing with a startup that wants to be different. Personal connections were very important to them.

I find this dating-inspired approach to hiring alienating, to say the least. Yes, they want to “get to know you”, but not as a person. Instead, they talk to you because of your skills and experience. However, they pretend that this is not the case. Instead, you supposedly have a bunch of conversations with random people, as if you would talk to some dude in the queue to a club because you like his outfit, or some chick because she appeared next to you for no good reason and she has stiff nipples. Pretending that you are not interviewing people when you actually are is bizarre. It is an embodiment of roundabout female thinking.

There is another important aspect, which some businesses deliberately torpedo: professional distance. You don’t address your manager as a “bro”, and you probably should not delude yourself that your colleagues are your friends either, even if you regularly have a few beers with them at 8 p.m. at work. You work together because, ideally, you like the kind of work, and you also like getting paid. Otherwise, you would not hang out with these people, and the moment you or any of them leaves, you likely will never speak to them again. Some companies do not like professional distance because they think they get more work out of you if you are trapped in some kind of sect-like organization where people work extra hours because they do not want to let their friends down, not realizing that this only means that management saves many millions on salaries for additional employees. You have “friends” at work and the owner or CEO gets to buy a second yacht, so I presume this is a fair deal. I mean, what else would you do at 8 p.m. if not having some beers at the company with the buddies from your team after you “crushed it” for twelve hours straight.

I should also add that some companies offer a team lunch as part of the interview process, but these are different. At that point, you either are going to get an offer or your are very likely to get an offer. I know of one company where they have a combined online and offline interview process. If you clear the online hurdles, they invite you onsite and at that point, you are virtually guaranteed an offer. They want to woo you during your visit. Normally, though, if you get an on-site your chances to receive an offer are probably at around 1/3 to 1/2 at least. Companies who think they have built a good “culture” give you the chance to meet your future team so that you better understand what you are signing up for. This is not the norm, though. Plenty of companies hide your colleagues from you as you only interview with people higher up the ladder or with some people from different teams, supposedly in order to reduce bias.

The idea that a potential future manager or peer would have a “coffee chat” with an applicant is nonsensical. In some ways it is very honest because it implies that it is very important to these people that they like you, whatever that may mean. This is good or bad. Considering that they may at some point no longer like you, it clearly is bad. I much rather work in a professional environment where I do my work and do not even need to think about who does or does not like me. You do your job, you get paid. It could be so simple, but not in an environment in which women reenact high school.