Occasionally, I come across people who seem quite dissatisfied with their life, yet are not willing to change it. Nonetheless, they cling onto some romantic notion about drastically turning their life around even though chances of doing so are small to non-existent. I have met people who had taken a wrong turn at some point in their life and then managed, through persistence, to get their life back on track. These are not the people I am talking about.

The phenomenon I am thinking of can perhaps be described as a defiant refusal to accept reality. Let me give you some examples: I have an aunt who is already in retirement. From what I gather, she was a feminist in her youth. Of course, this meant that she thought that she would be fine on her own. Apparently there was some guy who visited her every once in a while, for years, but since I am talking about my aunt I am not going to say that there was a random guy who used her as a fuck buddy. This aunt, however, was hoping for his guy to commit to her. When she was already into her 40s, she sometimes spoke about wanting a family and “setting down”, so much so that it was painful to watch. It did not help that she liked to drink a bit too much. In her case, it was not the stereotypical red wine but Prosecco, i.e. Italian sparkling wine. As a kid, I found her quite annoying. The last time I saw her, she went on a diatribe about how men keep women down in the workplace and wanted me to acknowledge this supposed fact. It was bizarre.

I have another example in my extended family. It is a guy who is almost 50 years old, was never married and, as far as I know, never was in any kind of serious relationship. This would not be an issue. There are many supremely happy bachelors out there. Yet, this guy keep talking about still having all options in life. The last time I bumped into him, he talked about maybe having kids in his 50s. Realistically, though, it is not going to happen. He would need a woman for that, and one of childbearing age. He is probably not much different than my aunt. In fact, in both I sense the same stubborn refusal to come to terms with their limitations.

In a professional environment I have seen similar delusions, but for this I have to provide some context. Broadly speaking, there is a typical career path, no matter in which field you are in: you are first an individual contributor and some people advance into leadership roles, which normally stops in middle management because the top jobs are given to people that are connected to the investors. Many companies, in particular in tech, pretend that there is a different career path available, which consists of becoming an ever-more senior individual contributor. While these roles exist, they do not nearly convey as much status as an equivalent leadership role. This is quite obvious to people, otherwise there would be fewer trying to get onto the leadership track. But how do you become a leader? I think you are born a leader and you will relatively quickly be moved into a leadership role if this applies to you. There are also diversity hires who get put into leadership roles but that is a different issue.

Remaining an individual contributor is fine. People can make a decent living, but it seems to gnaw at them that at some point their manager will be someone who is noticeably younger. Then these guys suddenly get the idea that they also want to be managers. Fifteen or twenty years into his career, they become convinced that they, too, can be a leader, albeit they — it is normally a guy — lack all leadership potential. You take one look at such a guy and you can tell right away that you do not even want him to be a mentor for an intern. Occasionally such people have spoken to me and my first question was why they want to be a leader. Normally, they cannot even give a good answer to that question. Then I asked them to provide examples of being leaders in real life, no matter the context. This leads to them stammering because they do not want to admit that they have been a follower all their life. Of course, if someone only saw their potential, they could be leaders, too, so they claim.

Obviously, you can turn your life around, but at some point there is simply not enough time left, like in the case of the aging feminist who discovers that she really wants to be a mother. In terms of career changes, there is the problem that you only have a certain number of years left. Sooner than some people think certain doors will be closed forever. This can be quite extreme. For instance, if you want to get into investment banking or consulting, the college you go to may determine whether this is even a realistic option. Sometimes, people try out a few careers and start over a few times. This may be fine for a few years but at some point you will not have many tries left. Occasionally, people even decide to start over completely and reenter university. This is probably a lot more common in Europe where many universities charge little to no tuition fees. Still, is it a good idea to pursue a medical degree or a law degree in your 40s? In theory you can do that but in reality, you will have so few productive years left before retirement that it is not a good idea.

There are plenty of people around who seem to think that they can just keep starting over. Just look at all the women in their 30s on dating apps! The dumbest decision in their life was dumping their last boyfriend. Yet, she thought that there are countless eligible bachelors out there who cannot wait to woo her. Clearly, delusions can follow people into their grave. In contrast, they could simply have accepted their lot in life, which entails coming to terms with the mistakes they have made. At some point they can no longer start over. Accepting this fact would, in the best case, free up enough energy for these people too make the best of their remaining years and decades. It would be better for them and for the people around them.