Some time ago a guy asked me what I think he should fix about himself, assuming that money isn’t much of a concern. I found this rather peculiar. Still the issue of cosmetic procedures for men comes up occasionally. Quite frankly, I think it’s normally only gay men who spend thousands on that, but let’s ignore that.
I think that you should not pay for anything you could fix yourself. This means no liposuction. Just hit the darn gym and watch your calorie intake. A healthy lifestyle is a lot cheaper in the long run. As an added bonus, you’ll feel better and live longer.
Among issues you may want to fix, I think the biggest one, by far is teeth. There is the quip that if you go to an orthodontist and ask whether you need braces, he only knows one answer: you always need braces. This implies that those people are in it for the money and don’t necessarily have your best interest at heart. Yet, it is arguably much closer to the truth that you indeed need braces if you haven’t gotten your teeth fixed yet. In my case, my dentist suggested braces for teen-Aaron in order to fix an irregularity with my occlusion. My mom was having none of it, despite the fact that socialized healthcare would have taken care of the cost. Many years later, those minor issues had grown into more serious ones and I had to get braces as an adult, which cost a lot more time and money in the end (thanks, mom!). Having a nice smile is valuable indeed. On the other hand, crooked teeth are not only unpleasant to look at, but compared to the problems you can get due to poorly aligned teeth, I’d highly recommend getting that issue properly resolved.
There is something rather strange I have largely heard from Americans, even though that practice is not entirely uncommon in Europe: only fixing your front teeth. This is marketed as a cheaper alternative. For purely aesthetic reasons that may seem like a decent alternative to proper braces, but it is likely to be more expensive in the long run. Then again, if you’re in the market for liposuction, that kind of half-arsed dental realignment may be right up your alley.
Okay, you got your teeth fixed. What’s next? If you don’t have any deformities, anything from here on is arguably just icing on the cake, but here we go:
1) Hair. If you are balding and don’t want to shave your head, get a hair transplant. That won’t be cheap, but it certainly helps you with the ladies if the bulked up tough-guy-with-shaved-skull look just isn’t for you. Bruce Willis and Jason Statham seem to be doing alright, though.
2) Nose. If your nose is crooked, get it straightened. I have doubts about that kind of procedure, though, particularly because I have seen too many women with bad nose jobs that just looked way too fake. It’s an epidemic not much better than the fake boob one. I mean, if you’re going to get something fixed, why make it look obviously fake?
3) Chin. If you have a weak chin, have it fixed. The before/after shots can be staggering. An added bonus is that if you only correct a weakness then it won’t look fake. Alternatively, you can do what those faggot hipsters do and grow a beard in an attempt to cover up your weak chin. (Gavin McInnes without beard doesn’t look nearly as good, for instance.)
4) Jaw. To further add to the impression, get a more square jaw due to the wonders of
chewing gum jaw augmentation surgery. It makes you look a lot more imposing.
Those procedures would be my picks. I only plunked down money for braces and I have little interest in getting anything else done, but if you really want to spend money on yourself that way, those are my suggestions. However, if you are doing it so that you can get laid more easily, I’d say you should look up how many porn stars you could bang for the cost of one chin augmentation. Due to Internet porn, prices are in the doldrums, so you may be surprised. It’s certainly a better deal to have your favorite porn stars fuck you for money than spending thousands of dollars for a bigger chin and chasing after girls who are at best 7s and about to crash into the wall.