I had to advise someone on a pretty interesting situation some weeks ago: good-looking dude, but he was getting too much attention from the women in his office. This was causing some problems for him, so he asked me what he should do about it. Our discussion moved towards behavior, but at the end I jokingly remarked that it would probably have helped had he dressed like a loser. That wasn’t really an option in his line of work, though. Yet, the other day a friend of mine told me about a problem he ran into at work. He doesn’t have a customer-facing role, and the startup he’s working at doesn’t really have a dress code.
Thus, if you work at a place were there is a lax dress-code and where, for whatever reason, women work who might cause some trouble, this post is for you. Let’s say you end up banging an intern who only got hired because your boss wanted to fuck her. Yes, those things really happen. Unfortunately, banging her is a potentially career-ending move, at least at your current company, so it’s not necessarily a bad idea to avoid getting too much attention at work. In order to help you out, I therefore present Aaron Sleazy’s Guide to Dressing Like a Loser, which is totally not tongue-in-cheek.
As we all know, it’s a tough world out there. You’re not one of the libshits, and living off welfare isn’t what you imagine yourself doing. Thus, you most likely end up in a situation where you have to work with women, under a female boss, or maybe you’ll have female reports at some point. If you go down the entrepreneurial route but think you’ll just hire men, you won’t be able to win government contracts, because the government drone charged with doling out tax money will eventually ask about the composition of your workforce, and bin your bid for a project while humming “muh diversity, muh strengths”.
So, you won’t be able to avoid working with women. If you end up in a customer-facing role, then you better pretend you’re gay. Otherwise, you’ll find yourself in a double bind: if she fancies you, but the feeling it not mutual because you are really into chicks with fantastic glutes and a deep voice, it’s discrimination based on gender. If she fancies you and you bang her, the orgasms you’ll give her in the copy room at 8 pm may be interpreted as sexual assault by her at any point in the future, and if you hit on her but she isn’t interested, it’s of course sexual harassment.
If you are working alongside neck-beards, you are in a better position, though. Due to diversity bullshit, your boss will have to hire women, and you probably have an all-female administrative staff, some of whom may fantasize about having a member of the STEM master race put a ring on her finger. As a reader of my blog, you’re obviously in the top 5% of men, so women chase after you no matter where you go. “But what do I do, am I screwed?”, you may ask. No, you are not. The solution to your problems is as simple as it is effective. Dress really poorly. By that I don’t mean to dress like a hobo, but to commit every sin in the book of fashion.
For starters, make sure some of the colors you wear clash with your skin tone. To give you a simple example: bright colors and dark skin don’t work so well. Similarly, dark colors on pale skin don’t look so hot either. For extra credit, make sure the colors of your pants and shirt clash. To up your game, make sure your clothes don’t fit well. I think that wearing clothes that are too small makes people look stupid. You still want to look competent at work, so that’s a bad direction to take. Luckily, slightly oversized clothes only make you look negligent. You’re obviously so focussed on your work that you haven’t noticed that you’ve lost weight. The dude in the shitty tight clothes can’t claim that because his clothes are rather uncomfortable, and he regularly has to loosen his belt a couple of notches when he is hunching in front of his computer.
In order to move to the top of your class, pick branded T-shirts and sweaters. No, not Polo Ralph Lauren or Hollister. Tech brands is where it’s at! Nothing screams “loser!” like walking around in an oversized T-shirt with a Microsoft Windows print:
You can score this on basically any tech or business conference out there. No matter where you go, some Microsoft drones will be there. They tend to have a have a hard time getting rid of their crap and are overjoyed if you ask them for another T-shirt for your brother or a friend. Maybe try hunting down some Microsoft Zune swag on eBay, while you’re building your new wardrobe. Then again, a reference to the ill-faited Zune could be perceived as an ironic statement in hipster circles. Google swag is getting more and more valuable for our purpose, too. They are becoming uncool as they are increasingly being perceived as yet another BigCorp, which, frankly, is precisely what they are.
I can’t stress enough the importance of clashing colors. By matching your clothes color-wise, even if they are slightly oversized, you would not look like much of a loser, but pretty much like a regular guy. On the other hand, with some
nice really washed out light blue jeans that are slightly too big, beaten brown leather shoes or sneakers, and a sweater with a nice fat Oracle or SAP logo print on it that does not go at all with that outfit, you will be golden. If you want to perfect the loser style, go to a cheapo hairdresser in that outfit, and he’ll give you a haircut to go with it. I would only recommend that if you want to “ghost”, as our friends in the MGTOW community call it, but not if you only want to put on the loser persona merely for your 9-to-5.
In all seriousness, though: there are many sitations in life where you are better off not standing out, and not being perceived as a thread of any kind. So, let’s say you work in an office environment where everybody is a geek and looks like a geek, but not in the supposedly flattering way. Do you then waltz in with tight jeans so that the secretary checks our your ass as you walk past? Of course not. Your colleagues will only resent you, and that’s without the can of worm you open if you end up banging a colleague because she turns you on and it’s convenient. Feel free to stand out if you are at the top of the hierarchy. If you are not, and want to survive in a hierarchy, your best best is probably to put in a good enough performance to not get fired, while also not working so hard that you are being perceived as a threat. On that note, it is also often good if you are able to make people feel intellectually superior. They shouldn’t think you’re a moron, but if they think that you are moderately smart, while they are a bit smarter, you’re likely to get by with very little drama.